Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Solitude -BFF 168


       Everyone everywhere needs a daily dose of solitude to reclaim their sanity.  Sometimes it helps to step back and just breathe.   I was being conditioned to enjoy solitude from as far back as I can remember.  I didn’t always enjoy it and at times dreaded time alone, felt tortured, and isolated.  Somewhere along the way I realized I needed to learn to enjoy my own company, then I got to the point I preferred it.  
    
  
        Because there was a 7 year age gap between me and my sister, I learned early that as far as playmates went, I didn’t have any.  She certainly wanted absolutely nothing to do with the likes of me.  I had to learn, and learn quick how to amuse myself and be comfortable playing alone.  I would have given anything to meld perfectly with a group of friends that accepted me and wanted me around.  Even if I felt included in early grades by the time puberty hit, I was abandoned by my peers and forced to wander the outskirts of the social clicks. 


        My feelings were shattered by the rejection.  I always felt my mom was in denial about my level of popularity among my peers.  Just because everyone I passed said hello at school functions, it still didn’t mean they included me.  They were friendly, and I was always the outsider, although in hindsight after being hurt time and again I believe I learned to hold everyone at arms length.  After a while I found I loved to read and far preferred my books to the ridicule I found outside their pages.  It certainly was more fun than trying to figure out why I wasn’t accepted or what was wrong with me.




        Up until the time of my mom’s death, I had her as a faithful companion.  We had so much fun and were like two peas in a pod.  When she died I was forced into a solitude like I never had known before.  I went to work and came home to a deathly silent house.  I began to watch videos and play piano to break up the monotony.  I would do anything in those dark days following her death to break the silence.   I rushed out to the bar scene, made friends that were here today and gone tomorrow, and when my Dad came home slowly became dependent on his company.  I realized how much I enjoyed my Dad’s company and how funny he truly was.  By the time he died, I had a daughter and a husband who thought the world of me.


         I devoted all my time and energy into my kids.  I became the epitome of the stay at home mommy.  Last fall, my son left me for kindergarten.  I came back into the house and noticed the house was silent, felt empty, and I was utterly alone again.  By the time this hit, I had learned to enjoy the solitude.  I reveled in the quiet.  I busied myself with my writing, buried myself in books as I always had, and got more housework done than ever before.  After a week it dawned on me that no one else was in the house save me and my menagerie of pets.  If I wanted to play music full blast, who would care?  If I wanted to wear pajamas all day, who cared?  As long as I was dressed and pressed before my little darlings arrived from school it was all good.  I discovered what it was like to go to the store without a couple of kids attached at the hip.  I discovered freedom, and I discovered I liked it!  I liked the silence broken only by the soft hum of the dryer.


             I use this time to reconnect with myself.  I have realized that being alone is very much apart of who I am as a person.  Why else would I have married a man who chose a profession that has him gone all but 4-6 days a month?    It isn’t a life for everyone, but very much a life for me.  I enjoy spending time with my husband and kids, but love my solitude and alone time as well.  I keep to myself, and always have.   After 43 years on this planet, I finally have decided that my love of solitude is OK.  It is in these moments when I hear G0d most clearly.  When it comes right down to it, I am never totally alone because HE is always with me until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

20 comments:

  1. I have always craved solitude. My husband and kids learned to understand this need, and when I was reading (which is often) they would leave me alone. Now that I'm an empty-nester, I have grown even more comfortable with being alone with myself. I feel so lucky to enjoy my time alone, because I know how difficult it is for those who don't once their kids leave home. I'm so glad you've decided to embrace what you love too!

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    1. Sharon, it seems like it was a long time coming and for a long time I really fought my tendency to push others away and prefer my own company. I felt there must be something wrong with me that other people didn't include me. Then I realized that maybe, just maybe I had apart in it by keeping myself apart from them. You only get that kind of wisdom in hindsight. After my husband has been gone over a couple of weeks, I am more than ready for him to come home. I begin to miss him. The rest of the time I accept my fate and make the best of it. It is so much better to finally embrace the real me than continue to be miserable thinking I am a freak. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment!!

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  2. you are utterly remarkable. I love what you write and how you write it. I am a bit of a solitude person as well, you and I are almost alike.

    i really enjoy reading your blogs. I think I already am following you, if not I am going to do so now

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    1. Sondra, thank you so much! You really made my day. I am so pleased that you enjoy what I write. Thank you for stopping by to read and let me know! :D

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  3. Beautiful write Kathy. I do some of my best thinking when I am alone. I truly love the way you write....from your heart. Hats off to you my friend for another beautiful write. :)

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    1. GosselinGirl, I think best when I am alone in the silence too. Thank you for stopping by and for your sweet comments. I am so happy you enjoyed my story!

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  4. Kathy, this is such a beautiful and heartfelt glimpse into the real you. I have always loved your writing and you always make me laugh, but this is a nice look at the other side of you. I too have always been somewhat of a loner. Until I found my group of girlfriends 6 years ago I spent the majority of my time alone. And with the exception of our get-togethers, I still do. I had some painful experiences in high school that made me a loner but unlike you, I don't have the strength, or nerve to write about them just yet. But I'm okay with my solitude. I somewhat enjoy it. Thanks for sharing your innermost thoughts.

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    1. KAT, thank you so much for your kind words and for stopping by to read my post!! You are very lucky to have found a group to hang with! I am a loner, and I thrive in peace and quiet. I hate drama and chaos. Still, it would be nice to have some close friends about to share things with. That is where my blog comes in for me. It is my outlet.

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  5. Yes, you are utterly remarkable, just as Sondra wrote. I, too, appreciate what you write and the way you write it. I also enjoy my solitude and have no problem being alone; however, I am not lonely when I have the Lord's love and presence with me all the time and --- I know I'm loved by my wonderful family and many friends. But, I don't have to have them around all the time. In fact, I need my time alone each day. Thanks for sharing, Kathy!

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    1. Betty, thank you so much for stopping by to read and take the time to comment and let me know how much you enjoy what I write!!

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  6. oh, me too. i like my own time... and yep, that is partly why i am able to function without my husband here. solitude relaxes my soul.. makes me a better person. a better wife.

    nice write, kathy.

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    1. Danneromero, they say absence makes the heart go fonder and in my case and in yours, it truly seems to be the case. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!

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  7. I just loved this, Kathy. Your books rescued you as a child! That is so awesome. I'm sorry you lost your best bud, your Mom. That's how my mom and I are right now. I don't even want to think about not having her here. Thanks for sharing this part of yourself.

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    1. Beachlover, I never really thought of it before but books did rescue me...and they have provided an escape for me that I have been more than happy to take all my life. Sometimes the reality in the books I read seemed a whole lot better than my own. Why wouldn't I want to lose myself among the characters who had it all going on? I was very fortunate because at the end of the day both of my parents became my best friends. Looking back on it now I realize that I held myself away from people while I was in school because I had her. She was my best friend. She went to games with me, and we did everything together. Later I got so used to holding myself back that it really has become a way of life. Even after she was gone. Then I did the same thing with my Dad. He became my best friend, and then he died. With lack of anyone else, I lose myself in books and am perfectly content. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment!

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  8. That was an incredibly gentle, poignant read, Kathy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I love reading about your life :o)

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    1. Mojo Writin, thank you for stopping by to read and comment! I am so pleased you enjoyed it. :D

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  9. Okay, I love this. I love when you really go inside and share. Oh, I love to laugh with you, too, but when you go inside of you and just pour it out, that's when you really shine. We are all trying to be a small piece in your social life, as you are in ours, and I think it is working for you.
    You are never alone unless that's where you wanna be my sweet friend.

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    1. Jo, your comment actually brought tears to my eyes. Plus I am grinning like a big loon. Thank you so much for being an important part of my social life! I am so pleased you not only enjoy reading my crazy funny stuff, but also my deeper serious stuff. I so appreciate your comments and your friendship!! Thank you for stopping by and making my day.

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  10. I have two younger sisters. We are all very close in age, but even as a child, I needed solitary time. As an adult, I am so much more protective of my time. I am fortunate that my husband and I are so much alike. He also needs his solitary time, so it works really well for us. Really, really well...

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    1. Darlene, I think solitary time is good in all relationships and to keep a person sane. My husband and I are very much alike, much like two peas in a pod, and I think that is why we have always gotten along really well and why our relationship continues to last. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment!

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