Thursday, May 31, 2012

Self


     In school I learned from my peers not to like myself much.  According to them I was too short, had 4 eyes, and when my front teeth still hadn’t surfaced by 7th grade I was deemed a freak.  I got a partial plate that year, and from that moment on if I wasn’t a freak before I surely was a freak there after.  Certainly not good enough to be called a friend, especially by the bosom buddies I ran with who had just discovered boys.  Worse yet when the boys had discovered them, I suddenly was regulated to the sidelines.   They still said hello and made small talk, but from then on I became the loner that I am to this day.  Over the years I have learned to accept it as fact.


       Back then the rejection hurt.  I didn’t understand it.  It is not like I smelled.  I wasn’t obnoxious.  My mom used to tell me if I was nice to everyone, they in turn would be nice to me.  My mom lived in her own fairy story where she was certain simply because a lot of people said hello when we went to football and basketball games that I had oodles of friends and therefore I was popular.  I don’t think she ever believed me when I explained that they were merely people I knew, acquaintances at best. We didn’t hang, we didn’t eat lunch together, and we never ran around together on the weekends.    When it got right down to brass tacks, I didn’t have close friends. 


         Marrying an abusive alcoholic when I was 19 didn’t improve my outlook on myself much. I should have said no but at that point I didn’t have the guts.  The guy liked me enough to want to marry me, and even though I had clear misgivings I went through with it.   In hindsight, it was the biggest mistake of my life.  I should have had the balls to say no, shove my bridal bouquet right up his a$$, and run hell bent for election out of that church until I seen day light.  Instead I said I do and endured 4 and ½ years of being that asshole’s punching bag simply because I wanted to be apart of a twosome.   I know now I didn’t deserve that treatment, but at the time I endured it, was ashamed by it, and was certain I must have done something to deserve it or he wouldn’t have felt the need to dish it up. 



        I eventually found the balls to stand up to him, but at that point I didn’t do it for me.  By then I didn’t give a tinker’s damn if he killed me.  The one thing he wasn’t going to do was start bullying my mom.   I stood up to him, and he divorced me.  Evidently a punching bag with a backbone loses its appeal.  Once my mom died, I embarked on a journey to find myself along a road littered with mistakes.  In a last ditch effort to find  happy ever after I paid a dating service to literally find me a husband.  If they couldn’t I was resigned to live out the rest of my days alone.   I had nothing to lose, and little confidence there was anyone decent out there who would want the likes of me.  I paid for Matchmaker to find me a man with little hope that they would.  Guess what, they did and I married him and had two beautiful kids.  I gave up my full time job when the first arrived to be a full time mom and have been at it ever since.


        By the time I hit my 4th decade of life on this planet I was beginning to wonder if all my life was going to amount to was wiping butts and noses.  I prayed about it and almost instantly the opportunity to write online for this company fell into my lap.  I began blogging, and slowly but surely found my voice.  By the time I did, the company had gone under and I was left without a website, the small income they paid me, and once again grasping for straws.  Fortunately I had learned from my experiences and I designed this website and continued on.  Somewhere along the way I became a writer.  It wasn’t something I imagined I would be doing, but I have found I can’t imagine life without doing it.   I have no idea where my words flow from, only that they do.  Words flow as easy as the air I take in and out.


       After over 40 years of living , I still enjoy being quiet,  although now my quiet is punctuated with giggles, a good dose of silliness, and the capacity to say just about anything.    I no longer take anyone’s $hit and have no problem speaking my mind.  I am happier now than I have ever been.  I am capable of the outrageous,  but at the same time walk the world with a fair amount of common sense.    I am loyal and kind, incapable of dealing with drama, and as one dear blogging buddy recently said a straight shooter.  I have a habitually sunny disposition and plenty of empathy and compassion for others.   I expect very little, and celebrate everything. 


         I can handle anything life throws at me, even when I think I can’t, I manage.   I can be hilariously funny without even trying and I have an amazing ability to find the funny in just about every situation.  I have found a deep faith in G0d that sees me through anything life throws my way.    I live daily with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.  My self esteem issues have come a long way.  I am me, like me, love me, hate me, take me or leave me, I am what I am for better or for worse until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.




34 comments:

  1. Oh you handle it well, Kathy. :) Have a great day!

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    1. Lisa, why thank you very much! Thank you for stopping in to read and for your comments. I am so pleased you enjoyed my post.

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  2. " I am me, like me, love me, hate me, take me or leave me, I am what I am for better or for worse until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife."

    I choose Love me...or you. he he he This is very well done, really honest and out there. Warts and all, as they say. You are who you are because of all those things and so, for that reason alone, they needed to happen. You are an amazingly motivated, happy and pleasant person and I'm so glad to be on your list of buds! ♥

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    1. Jo, they say everything happens for a reason and everything that happened brought me to where I am now. It was no picnic going through all that, but I am glad I made it through. I am so happy and pleased you are on my list of buds. I am proud to have you for a friend. Thank you for stopping in to read, and for your kind comments. This was a difficult post for me to write, not because it was hard to write...the words just flowed, but because of the subject matter. I don't tend to dwell on the past. I live in the now, and really I don't look into the future either. There is just no point. Thank you for stopping in to read and for your kind comments.

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  3. Kids can be so cruel can't they? I lived in a rural part of town and had few good friends in school. It started to change once I got to junior high and high school, but oddly enough I remember those days as being extremely lonely & friendless. Yet my cousin says I'm nuts and points to my yearbook crammed w/ signatures. My boyfriend even said that one reason he was afraid to tell me he liked me when we were in school was that I was always traveling in a pack and he couldn't get me alone. I don't remember that at all.

    I'm glad you got out of that abusive relationship. No one deserves to be treated that way!!! It sounds like you are on the right path now though. If I may quote my fave band, 'what a long strange trip it's been'.

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    1. JoJo, kids are really cruel and I feared for my own kids when they started school. Neither one of my kids went into it with blinders on thinking that everyone would be kind and be their friend if they were just nice to them. I am glad I got out when I did too. I think he would have eventually killed me. Of course he probably would have been sorry if he woke up from his stupor and found me dead. I think at the time, I just wanted the abuse to end and death would have been welcome. Obviously that wasn't meant to be. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments.

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  4. Talk about rising above it! What a story! Thank you for sharing it.

    My husband, who I met on a blind date, tells me that he would have gone to an online service of some sort had we not met. Finding the right person is very difficult, and I'm so glad that you have made your way to happiness.

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    1. Amy, it took me clear till Thursday to finally write it. LOL It is hard to find the right one, and I feel very fortunate that I found my husband. I sure went through a bunch of duds before he came along and really didn't know if I wanted to meet him or not. Then I talked to him, all night long on the phone, and it just clicked. It was love at first sight and we got on like a house on fire. I am so pleased I lived to tell the tale and that you stopped by to read it and enjoyed it. Thank you for your comments and for sharing. Blind dates can really lead to the one.

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  5. Oh, Kathy! I felt so happy to hear that you had finally stood up for yourself (and your mom) and glad happiness has found you. I always enjoy your writings--just need time to read more.

    Toast to your ever-lasting happiness!
    Angela

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    1. Journey of Life, me too!! Thank you for stopping in to read and comment. I so appreciate your kind words.

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  6. Kathy, you are awesome and although I love every single one of your posts, this is my favorite so far. We had very similar lives you and I, and just like you, I stopped taking peoples shit a long time ago. I have had to learn many hard lessons in my life, but in some crazy way, it was all worth it..Have a great day

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    1. Roe, it is all worth it in the end. I am so pleased you stopped by, and that you enjoyed my post. Thank you for your kind comments!!

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  7. I LOVE your story!!! I'm sorry you had to go through those hard times, but at the same time, glad they helped you grow into a wonderful woman with such great outlook on life!

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    1. a.eye, it seemed like for a while there like the good times would never come. They did and things did get better and I lived to tell the tale. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments.

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  8. wow...take a deep breath...exhale and say a GLORIOUS AMEN!!!! YES INDEEDY you will know them by the 'word of their testimony' and the blood of the lamb...yup!((hugs)) mightily...yup

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    1. Drchoneydewcrm, Amen indeed. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!

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  9. Thank you for your open and honest post. Kids can be such jerks, as was your X-husband. It takes a lot to share such deeply personal business on a blog. I've never found the strength to do that.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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    1. Joyce, it was a hard post to write. I generally like to keep the past in the past,but...I wouldn't be me or be able to come even close to explaining who "myself" is without telling the story that led me to get to here. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments. I am pleased you enjoyed it.

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  10. Learning to love and accept ourselves without feeling some need to please or answer to anyone's idea of what we should be takes time. You sure had a lot of rocks (boulders!!) in your way, but you maneuvered the path and emerged victorious. Good for you!

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    1. Word Nerd, I am glad to have all that behind me. Life is a breeze today compared to what I had to get through to get to this point. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments which literally brought tears to my eyes. You are right, I am victorious to have survived all that. I never really thought about it that way.

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  11. I am so happy you made it thru all of that. And just for the record. I would've been your friend, a true friend, and I woulda' kicked the asses of anyone who thought they were going to be mean to you. And I was one of the popular ones, I just wasn't a bitch.

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    1. Magical Mystical Mimi, it would have been so cool to have known you back then, but I feel just as blessed to have found you now!! You a true treasure of a person! Thank you for stopping by to read and for your sweet comments. ♥

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  12. Kathy, there are parts of your life that remind me so much of mine it is scary. I am so glad you found yourself. Your strength thru all of this is a testament to the truly remarkable individual that you are and I am so lucky to know you thru our writing groups!

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    1. Susan, as I feel so blessed to know you. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind and supportive comments!1 ♥

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  13. And like the phoenix we shall rise from our ashes ....

    There are a lot of phoenixes out there. I loved reading your life story

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    1. Phoenixritu, I am so pleased you stopped by, enjoyed my story, and took the time to tell me. Thank you! ♥

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  14. Nice Post...

    JayRyan'sBlog was inviting you to be a Guest Post Author..

    Thank you so much.

    -jayryan09-

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    1. JayRyan8#39sBlog, thank you for stopping in. I am so pleased you enjoyed my post. I am honored. :D ♥

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  15. I enjoyed your words, Kathy, as I always do... but for me, it was an image which got me this time. The first image you used? The 'not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough' etc?
    When my daughter moved out, my lodger moved into her old room. Whilst cleaning it, I opened the sliding wardrobe and those self same words were scrawled all over the wall in there. I think it was during her 'Everybody hates me, nobody loves me, I think I'll go it worms' phase - the one all teens have - but your image brought it back and it made me smile. Know why? Because every teen forgets two things:
    1 - Mum was a teen too, and she did the same things, felt the same way.
    and
    2 - Mum also always knows. She may not find out instantly, or even during the time, but she always knows in the end.
    I also knew those words were past echoes, no longer belonging to the vibrant young woman she is today *smile*

    Sorry for the essay, Kathy, but it was a tale I hope you don't mind me sharing *grin*

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    1. Mojo Writin, I am so glad you shared your story. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your wonderful comments. I am always happy when something I write or even a visual I have chosen touches someone like this one touched you. ♥

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  16. Kathy, you and I have a lot in common when it comes to high school memories. I am still haunted by events that took place my sophomore year and changed the course of the rest of my high school experience. I hate that it still causes me pain all these years later. Unlike you, I never talk about it or write about it even though I have lived my entire life with an inferiority complex because of it. I admire your strength.

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    1. KAT, I have found as weird as it sounds that it has really helped me to write about things like this. It is kind of like exorcising the beast within and I feel so much better for it. Amazing really. It is very therapeutic. Besides it was a big part of what made me who I am today, and there is no reason to be ashamed or not own it. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment! ♥

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  17. Kathy,
    Thank you for your post. My daughter shares the part about being married to an abuser. She is out of that now, and is almost finished with a teaching degree. The light didn't come on until she had 3 baby boys, and was pregnant with the 4th. The oldest (4 yr. old) tried to intervene for his mother. I am glad you shared about your faith in God. That was the first thing she renewed when getting out of the relationship.
    Kathy @ http://www.GlobeTrottinGranny.com

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    1. Kathleen, it is not easy to get out of a relationship like that. It takes a lot of courage and strength. I am glad your daughter finally got out too. If he had not left and filed for the divorce after I stood up to him, I probably would have still been trying to make things work because I believe marriage vows are sacred. I was devastated at what I looked at as my own failure at the end of that marriage. It took me a while to realize that it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The event that broke the camel's back so to speak was the one that really proved to myself I had more back bone than I thought and I did deserve better. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments! ♥

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