Monday, July 16, 2012

Kids


NaBloPoMo asks:
When did you know that you wanted to have kids?

     I realized that I wanted kids before I met my husband.  I was nearing 30 and my biological clock was clanging in my head.  It was one of the reasons I willingly paid $500.00 to Matchmaker in a last ditch effort to meet a man that I would want to spend the rest of my life with and start a family.  I hadn’t met anyone worthy on my own.  Desperate measures were called for.  So in a last ditch effort I paid my money and waited.




     I was sent a lot of duds before my future husband came along.  When he finally did, I found we had so much in common that we continued to talk on the phone all night long.  By the time we came up for air, it was morning.  We decided to meet, and I soon knew that he was the only one for me.  We married and spent the first couple of years enjoying each other.  All of a sudden my biological clock began ticking in my head again.  I was in my early 30’s and realized there was no better time.  If I was ever to have kids the time had come.  I knew I was ready and there was nothing else I wanted more in life than to have a baby.  It seemed what life was all about and had ever been about.


     I quit taking my birth control pills and we waited…and waited.  It seemed the more I wanted to get pregnant, the more I failed to.  I took it as a personal failure when my first pregnancy ended at 5 months.  I went to the ultrasound expecting to see pictures of my baby only to be told the baby was dead.  As I sobbed uncontrollably, my OB/GYN told me over the phone that the only way to get pregnant was to surgically remove the dead baby and try again.  I agreed to the surgery, and with a heavy heart went to the hospital days later to have my dead, deformed baby taken from my body.  I still wanted children, but that one event put a deep fear in my heart that if I ever became pregnant again the same thing would happen.




      I quit taking my temperature and caring whether I was ovulating.  I got rid of the baby things I had collected in preparation for the baby that died.  I still wanted kids more than anything in the world but believed with every fiber of my soul that I wasn’t able to have babies that would live.  When I became pregnant again, I faced the whole thing with a deep seated fear that never went away.  I refused to get excited about a baby that would most likely die anyway.  I threw up every time the wind blew on me.  I had diarrhea constantly.  I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and forced to take insulin by the 6th month.  As the last months played out, my blood pressure shot sky high.  Because I had massive areas of scar tissue from previous surgeries, the baby was breech, and I was high risk I was automatically scheduled for a C-section.
  
       I arrived at the hospital the morning of my C-section only wishing the pregnancy was over.  I will never forget the pure joy and elation that overcame me when I first laid eyes on my daughter, or the moment when I first spoke to her and she stopped crying and stared at me the first time.  I realized in those first precious moments of my daughter’s life what the true meaning of life was all about.  I realized that all the days and heartaches that I had lived through before had brought me to that point.  If I had not lost that first baby, I have little doubt that I could have possibly appreciated that moment as much as I did.  


     When I became pregnant for my son, the specter of that first failed pregnancy still hung in the air, but with the successful birth of my daughter I was able to look forward to the birth of my son more.  I took great joy planning for his arrival buying tiny blue clothes, crocheting a baby blanket, and gathering all the things I no longer had from my first.




      For me, marrying my husband started a natural progression towards having the family I always wanted.  I have always been a very old fashioned, traditional girl at heart.  It is their love that sees me through.   Like the old school yard chant goes first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

30 comments:

  1. It's funny, but I never remember a time in my life where I wanted kids. I lived in fear of having a younger sibling (i'm an only), and I didn't like being around infant cousins that were born to older cousins when I was a child. I babysat but I've never changed a diaper in my entire life and aim to keep it that way. My charges were all verbal and potty trained. I have many, many reasons why I didn't want or have them. I do, however, have stepchildren now, but they are older and 2 of them don't even talk to their dad.

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    1. JoJo, everyone is different. Thank you for stopping by to read and for sharing your perspective. I am sure you are not alone. ♥

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  2. Very touching post. I am so glad you shared it. I am so happy you got your hubby and wonderful family. I am sure others will benefit from reading it too. I always wanted children, but I didn't marry until I was 38. Then hubby got sick with cancer and I was widowed at 40. Things definitely didn't turn out like I wanted or expected. But, my late hubby made me a step mom to a great son (a chef in Denver) who calls me mom and reminds me that he is my family. It is truly a blessing. I am blessed to be remarried now, and now I am 46 and looking at a new life filled with new things I didn't plan, but hope they will be great.

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    1. Winnie, you have proved by your heartfelt comments that life has some very unexpected twists and turns for all of us. At the same time, it can also have many blessings. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your all you lovely comments. ♥

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  3. Aww, this is so sweet! Love the pics you put with it. I too, lost babies---one full-term twin and the other an early miscarriage. As horrible as it was to go through it, I do believe it gave me a deeper appreciation for the 4 beautiful children I have today! Thanks for sharing such a touching blog post!

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    1. Menopausa Mama, I am so sorry to hear about the babies that you lost. Sometimes I think a person has to go through the unthinkable to appreciate what we end up with. I am so pleased you enjoyed my post and could identify with it. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!

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  4. Such a heartbreak often gives great appreciation for the blessings to follow. In your case, twice! I think you were born to be a momma and lucky for those two little people!

    Nicely done and a beautiful look at motherhood and finding Mr. Right, no matter where he's hiding. ♥

    Remember, I found mine in a dang bar.

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    1. Jo, considering everything I think you may be right. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!

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  5. Sweet, tender story - far different from mine. I'd just turned 19 when my first child was born and was 24 when my second daughter arrived. In other words, I had children before I knew that I wanted children. But that approach, it turns out, makes for a happy life, too.

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    1. Mary, you were pretty young. I am glad that I didn't have kids when I was that age because I would have never appreciated them or enjoyed them as I did since I was older. Sometimes I wish I would have had my kids in my twenties so that people wouldn't assume I am their Grandma instead of their mom. That really annoys the hell out of me! LOL Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments.

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  6. A very touching story, tragic, but ultimately miraculous and beautiful. I wish you and your family the best always, Kathy!

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    1. Rae, thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!

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  7. I've been using OVULATION TEST KIT for a long time and I still get butterflies when that little smiley shows his face. :) I got one from the internet by searching on Google HOME CHECK Ovulation Kit it was great!

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    1. MK Sharma, oh how I remember those! In the end I got pregnant when I completely quit trying. Then it happened as G0d had intended all along in His time instead of mine. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!

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  8. Thank you for sharing, Kathy. I'm sorry for the loss of your baby - I can't begin to imagine how painful that must be. I don't have kids and sometimes feel the emptiness of that - but then that passes quickly. I'm glad you have two lovely children ♥

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    1. Corinne, thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!!

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  9. funny, I didn't pay a matchmaker but I did meet my husband through match.com! And we also miscarried, and the scar of that was intense. I remember the baby was due Dec 1 so I bought a special ornament that year to hang on our tree, a clear glass one as I imagined the baby to have been, at three months. Losing one at five months must have been horrific. My cousin lost one at six months and it took her two years to even want to try to get pregnant again.. But anyway. here we both are. Married and two kids later.

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    1. Sandra, funny how things have a way of working themselves out in the end. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments.

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  10. I miscarried during my second pregnancy. I was heart broken. I did however have 3 more healthy boys after that. This is a great story and thanks for sharing.

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    1. Lanthie, I am so sorry to hear of your loss but glad you were blessed with 3 healthy boys. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments! ♥

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  11. Glad you were able to find your husband!

    Sorry for the initial loss, but I'm sure that prepared you to really enjoy the children you have now.

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    1. a eye, I believe it did. I think some people thought I was crazy when I was pregnant because I couldn't get happy and excited for the upcoming births. All I felt was terror that history would repeat itself. With my son, it almost did. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments! ♥

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  12. Touching story, Kathy. I was the opposite, I thought about having kids when I was younger than I finished school, started making money and moving up the ladder and didn't think I wanted kids. Marriage was a total surprise, and then the baby came. How did happen? Of course, it all turned out as it was intended, but I still wonder about how I started off one way and found another path. As always, your stories bring a smile and or a tear. Thanks much for sharing.

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    1. Brenda, it is weird how life works out and we all end up in about the same place in the end. I am so pleased you stopped by and enjoyed my story. Thank you for reading and for your kind comments! ♥

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  13. Losing a baby is so tragic, I'm so sorry you lost your first. I lost two-- one at 20 weeks and another at 25 weeks before I had my current children. I cried the moment my oldest living child was born-- I realized what a miracle it was and the real joy that comes with having a healthy, beautiful baby in my arms. Five kids later and I'm so blessed. Thank you for sharing your story--how sweet that you had your family--and can forever enjoy the blessings it brings!

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    1. Jenn, I remember tears coming to my eyes when I saw my daughter. I couldn't hold her until I got back to my hospital room, but once I did I refused to let her go! Thank you for stopping by, reading, sharing your experiences, and for your kind comments! ♥

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  14. Although I remember reading about your first miscarriage and the subsequent births of your precious children, I still felt your sadness today as I read this post. Your kids are really fortunate to have a momma like you, Kathy. Through your nurturing, they have become two beautiful people that bring you lots of pleasure. I really enjoy reading about your family experiences. No doubt, your love and respect for your husband and children has influenced their love and respect for others, you are truly blessed.

    When I was about ten years old, I began dreaming about being a mother. Fortunately the man who became my husband also wanted children. Since we were both 25 years old when we married, we wanted it to happen soon. So, our first daughter came before I turned 26. It was an easy pregnancy and delivery of a perfect little girl, more wonderful than I ever dreamed. About 2-1/2 years later, we tried having another and only had to wait two months to conceive our second daughter.

    Even though my child bearing and rearing experiences have all been wonderful, I know my appreciation and enjoyment of being a mother is not any higher than yours. Do keep writing about your children, Kathy!

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    1. Betty, I am so pleased you enjoyed my post. Thank you for stopping by to read, share your memories, and for your precious comments.♥

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  15. Love this journey to motherhood story : ) I think we really appreciate it so much more when it's a difficult one.

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    1. Ann, I agree with you so much. I know it was true in my case. That is why I chose to stay home with my kids while my husband worked. We couldn't see our kids being without both of us and a sitter getting to see all those first instead of one of us. After all I had been through to get both of those precious bundles here I wasn't about to let anyone else have the pleasure of raising my kids. My husband and I chose that I should stay home knowing the sacrifices we would have to make. It has been so worth it! Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments! ♥

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