Sound the Alarm!

Silence.

Except for the tap, tapping, of my keyboard
 and dog snores. 

Suddenly all hell breaks loose, dogs scrambling to the front window barking, growling, howling.

I peer outside.

Nothing stirring.

Perplexed.

What the hell?

"SHUT UP!" 

Probably just a mouse fart.

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Kitchen Disasters-BFF 176

     In the almost 15 years that I have ruled over my kitchen I have had my share of disasters.  If I wasn’t such a klutz and didn’t occasionally have my head up my a$$ a lot of the worst disasters would have been avoided.  Even when I think I have it planned and all should be stellar disaster still strikes.  I am a good cook, but a messy one and have a habit of slopping food all over the stove.   I rarely am able to prepare instant mashed potatoes without them boiling all over the stove and sending the stupid fire alarm off.  My family is well aware that if the alarm sounds and I am in the kitchen that it is only Mommy cooking.  Go back to your lives citizens! 

       It seems whenever I want everything perfect is the precise moment all hell breaks loose.  Recently I decided store bought birthday cakes cost entirely too much.  I know I can bake my own cakes for a lot less. I mean really, how hard can it be??   When my husband’s birthday rolled around, I went to the store and bought a cake mix, frosting, and the trimmings needed to make it look spectacular and rushed home with a bounce in my step and a smile in my heart.  Everything went off without a hitch.  I mixed up the batter and placed it in the oven.  I took the cake out of the oven at the precise time the box said and then….disaster struck.  At just that moment my kids and the three dogs decided to race through the kitchen.  My Boston terrier Jolly ran into my leg sending me sprawling flat on my a$$ and the perfect cake flying.  The cake went up, and as only the laws of gravity can allow, the cake came down.  Splat!!  There I sat on the floor in the middle watching my dogs devour what was left of my perfect cake.   

             The tears began and the sobs commenced.   I had a meltdown.  My husband came out into the kitchen and told me amid the mess that he didn’t need a cake.  With a stubbornness that is typical of me, I picked myself up mad as a hornet and said “the hell you don’t!!”  It was his birthday after all and there was no way in God’s green earth he wasn’t going to have cake and candles, not while I had breath in my body.  I grabbed my purse and stormed out of the house, got into my blazer, and literally flew out of the driveway in my quest to buy another cake mix.  Fortunately by the time I came home, the mess I had left behind had vanished.   My husband had cleaned up the aftermath in my absence.   I took a deep breath and baked another cake, which turned out just right the second time around.

         Just last night I got the brilliant idea I was going to cook rice in the microwave.  I carefully studied the instructions and thought I did exactly as they suggested.  Unfortunately, when the timer went off I discovered the rice had been transformed into a solid brick.  I was horrified!  It was the consistency of concrete.   I could have used it for a weapon!!  In my disgust I slam dunked the rice into the trash.  It reverberated when it hit the bottom with a loud BAM!   Being a resourceful cook, I served sherbet instead.  

        Other than the occasional broken dish, fallen cakes, sliced fingers, and that one time I accidentally flooded the kitchen when I went to help the kids with something while filling the sink with dish water, I have confessed all.   For the record, most of my activities in the kitchen are nothing less than dynamite.  My conscience is clear until next time when I can give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

My Sister Moving Away

Thanks to Olga Quinn

     I was really worried about my sister when she decided to move to Santa Barbara. Our whole family is in Florida, and she would be so far away. We were born only a year apart and have been close our whole lives. We even went to college in the same town and lived next door to each other. She has always been really easily influenced too, which worried me the most. I was scared she would meet someone who could see her weakness and take advantage of her. I was so relieved when she asked me to go out there with her for a few weeks and help her get organized.

     It made me feel much better knowing that I would be there for her if she needed anything. The first thing I did when we got to her new house was research Santa Barbara Home Security and persuade her to get an alarm system. I was surprised about how receptive she was to my suggestion, and we got that taken care of. I felt better leaving her there knowing that she felt safe. I am going to miss her a ton, but I know we will try to visit as often as possible and we’ll talk on the phone every day.