Sunday, March 18, 2012

Kitchen Disasters-BFF 176


     In the almost 15 years that I have ruled over my kitchen I have had my share of disasters.  If I wasn’t such a klutz and didn’t occasionally have my head up my a$$ a lot of the worst disasters would have been avoided.  Even when I think I have it planned and all should be stellar disaster still strikes.  I am a good cook, but a messy one and have a habit of slopping food all over the stove.   I rarely am able to prepare instant mashed potatoes without them boiling all over the stove and sending the stupid fire alarm off.  My family is well aware that if the alarm sounds and I am in the kitchen that it is only Mommy cooking.  Go back to your lives citizens! 



       It seems whenever I want everything perfect is the precise moment all hell breaks loose.  Recently I decided store bought birthday cakes cost entirely too much.  I know I can bake my own cakes for a lot less. I mean really, how hard can it be??   When my husband’s birthday rolled around, I went to the store and bought a cake mix, frosting, and the trimmings needed to make it look spectacular and rushed home with a bounce in my step and a smile in my heart.  Everything went off without a hitch.  I mixed up the batter and placed it in the oven.  I took the cake out of the oven at the precise time the box said and then….disaster struck.  At just that moment my kids and the three dogs decided to race through the kitchen.  My Boston terrier Jolly ran into my leg sending me sprawling flat on my a$$ and the perfect cake flying.  The cake went up, and as only the laws of gravity can allow, the cake came down.  Splat!!  There I sat on the floor in the middle watching my dogs devour what was left of my perfect cake.   


             The tears began and the sobs commenced.   I had a meltdown.  My husband came out into the kitchen and told me amid the mess that he didn’t need a cake.  With a stubbornness that is typical of me, I picked myself up mad as a hornet and said “the hell you don’t!!”  It was his birthday after all and there was no way in God’s green earth he wasn’t going to have cake and candles, not while I had breath in my body.  I grabbed my purse and stormed out of the house, got into my blazer, and literally flew out of the driveway in my quest to buy another cake mix.  Fortunately by the time I came home, the mess I had left behind had vanished.   My husband had cleaned up the aftermath in my absence.   I took a deep breath and baked another cake, which turned out just right the second time around.


         Just last night I got the brilliant idea I was going to cook rice in the microwave.  I carefully studied the instructions and thought I did exactly as they suggested.  Unfortunately, when the timer went off I discovered the rice had been transformed into a solid brick.  I was horrified!  It was the consistency of concrete.   I could have used it for a weapon!!  In my disgust I slam dunked the rice into the trash.  It reverberated when it hit the bottom with a loud BAM!   Being a resourceful cook, I served sherbet instead.  


        Other than the occasional broken dish, fallen cakes, sliced fingers, and that one time I accidentally flooded the kitchen when I went to help the kids with something while filling the sink with dish water, I have confessed all.   For the record, most of my activities in the kitchen are nothing less than dynamite.  My conscience is clear until next time when I can give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.





22 comments:

  1. Hilarious!! I wish you luck in your future cooking endeavors!

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    1. a eye, I will take that luck and put it in a special place!! At least I got over the butter fingers before I broke every dish in the house. I did manage to break all my pyrex measure cups and the round pyrex baking dishes I normally use. My husband got me replacements for Christmas and I have been really careful with those!! LOL Really sucks when you go barefoot when you home then go through a klutzy streak. I was constantly cutting my feet on microscopic pieces of glass! LOL I am so pleased you enjoyed my post. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!!

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  2. That's what I'm talking about sister! I have some of the same issues in the kitchen. You so describe my thought process with the birthday cake, he's going to have one! Ah, your husband is a good man!

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    1. Holly, yes he is a good man. That is why I believe I will keep him! LOL Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!!

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  3. funny. i stay out of the kitchen, except for a quick cup of tea, and a bowl of cereal. :D

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    1. Danneromero, I would lose a lot of weight if I would follow your example!! You must starve on tea and cereal! Thanks for stopping by to read and comment. I am so pleased it gave you a giggle!!

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  4. Oh -- you are hilarious, Kathy!!! I'm getting so forgetful now. Often when I go to get something from the cabinet -- can't remember what I went after just in the time it took to make those few steps. So, I'm funny to watch, but I still like being in the kitchen!!!

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    1. Betty, here I was being dead serious!! I am so pleased you found my antics in the kitchen amusing!! I am the same way!!I would lose my a$$ if it wasn't attached and then forget I was even looking for it. LOLOLOL Here lately I end up in the kitchen because for some reason my kids think they need to eat. HA!! Then all these nasty dishes pile up. It is all good though because I actually do like to cook. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments. It is so nice of you to stop by!!

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  5. I skipped this topic because I have been cooking since I was about 12 or so and I could probably fill a book with the failures, but they don't really make good reading. They would be things like, scouring the cabinets and throwing whatever into a big ole pan and making a lovely sauce, before I knew how to make a lovely sauce I thought I could, then serving it and watching my family go, well, greenish. Peanut butter sammies all around? LOL

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    1. Jo, well that explains it!! My mom never let me do ANYTHING in the kitchen except watch until she was practically on her death bed. You are too funny!! Thanks for stopping by to read and for your comments!!

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    1. Beachlover, thank you! I am so pleased you stopped by and enjoyed what you found here!!

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  7. OK...I cracked up when I read this line: "Being a resourceful cook, I served sherbet instead." hahaha... works for me... Very funny blog!!!

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    1. Darlene, well you know, screw it!! I tried, and the rice just wasn't edible...so I had to think up something fast because everything else was ready. The kids were quite pleased to have sherbet as a side dish. Besides it is a very important food group!! Thank you for stopping by to read, and for your lovely comments!!

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  8. That is a lot of kitchen mishaps there, lady! Your family was so nice to clean up the cake after that disaster. I haven't had a lot of major missteps in the kitchen, but one time I did put handwashing dish detergent in my dishwasher instead of the kind meant for dishwashers (I was in college) and there was a huge soapy mess that took quite a while to remedy.

    I would've loved to see a photo of the actual brick of microwaved rice! ;)

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    1. Tiffanie, I was to horrified of the that rice brick to even think of taking pictures of the thing. I just wanted it gone before it could be saved as evidence!! One of these days I will think to grab the camera and document some of my everyday blunders. I am usually just to busy hyperventilating to think about taking pictures. LOL That had to be special with the dishwasher!! We can laugh about it now, but I bet you just about $hit when you seen the mess!! Thanks for stopping by, for sharing, and for your kind comments!!

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  9. I can bake--but cooking-- HA!! I'm a lot like you. Let's not delve into the fact that I caught my boiling rice on the stove ON FIRE. Or that it burnt down a good portion of my kitchen (to the tune of 17K) Or that I've burnt my hand more than once hurling the damn toaster with pop tarts in it onto the deck while it engulfed itself in flames. I swear they need to make those damn pop tarts flame retardant. Let's make a deal now--not to do a cooking show--unless the Fireman agrees to be around to put out any mishaps :) Cheers, Jenn.

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    1. Jenn, LMAO I think the fireman better move next door just for a precaution!!! I hope you have a fire extinguisher in the kitchen just in case. :D That is too funny about the pop tarts!! If only you would have made a movie of that!! Or at least took a picture!! LOL Thank you for stopping by to read, share, and for your kind comments.

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  10. Kathy, are you sure you don't have a bogie hell bent on mischief in your home

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    1. Bronwyngordon, you know, a bogie hell bent on mischief would explain a lot!! Next time I will blame it on the invisible bogie!! Thanks for the idea :D!! Thank you for stopping by to read and comment!

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  11. Funny, funny, funny! Your hubby should've taken pics of you sprawled on the floor!! *That* would have been hilarious! I always forget not to lean into the oven as I'm opening the door.. Tends to make your jewelry feel like lava in an instant!

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    1. Magical Mystical Mimi, if my husband had come at me with a camera at that moment I probably would have taken out the camera or kicked him square in the balls. Fortunately he knows better. The only jewelry I ever wear is my wedding rings, guess I'll have to take your word for that lava thing. LOL Thanks for stopping by to read and for your wonderful comments!!

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