Riding into the Sunset

  

       Mom thought I was exaggerating until I pointed him out at the mall riding his imaginary horse screeching “Whee!” as he galloped along, slapping his own ass. “Well, isn’t he quaint?” she giggled.

This post was written for the Trifecta writing prompt.

     My response had to be between 33 and 333 words.  Mine is exactly 33 words in length • You must use the 3rd definition of the given word, quaint,  in your post. • The word itself needs to be included in your response. • You may not use a variation of the word; it needs to be exactly as stated . • Only one entry per writer. Mine happens to be true story.

QUAINT (adjective) 1:  obsolete:  EXPERT, SKILLED 2a:  marked by skillful design <quaint with many a device in India ink — Herman Melville>   b:  marked by beauty or elegance 3a : unusual or different in character or appearance :  ODD   b : pleasingly or strikingly old-fashioned or unfamiliar <a quaint phrase> 

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The Funniest Thing

     I thought I had seen it all.  Then yesterday while driving across town for our annual shopping spree for my son’s birthday I laid  eyes on something I can honestly say I had NEVER seen before.  I like to think I am pretty open minded and worldly.  I even would like to think that I am pretty easy going and adaptable to just about anything, still there are some things in life when presented in an expected way completely blows my mind and in doing so, makes my day.

   

       There is a local business in town that’s primary purpose is to buy people’s unwanted gold.  They actually employ a whole bunch of people to stand along side the road and wave a sign at passing motorists.  These people probably don’t get paid much to dress up in crazy costumes and wave a sign begging people to part with their gold for cold hard cash.  I will admit right here and now that I am a cynic.  Even though I have never crossed the threshold of this establishment and have absolutely no intention of doing so in this life time, I am certain to my very core that they buy people’s heirlooms and treasures for a fraction of what they are worth and sell it for big bucks hauling in a major profit.   Not only do these people have to stand alongside the road waving a sign in all kinds of weather whether it’s hotter than the blazing fires of hell or colder than a witch’s tits in the Klondike, they do so day in and day out.  During the holidays they transform into Santa Claus and the Grinch.  In summer a gorilla appears.  

         Yesterday we spotted this guy dry humping his “Sell your gold for money” sign in broad day light in front of G0d and everyone.  On closer inspection, you could see he had headphones in his ears.  He was in the zone and had absolutely no cares in the world what anyone must have thought of him.  It was a sight that caused immediate laughter, pointing, and resounding thumbs up from our passing vehicle.  I haven’t seen anyone making that big of an a$$ of themselves in I can’t even remember when.   I didn’t expect it, and would never have imagined it even in my wildest dreams.  I wondered what the Sam hell  was wrong with this dude.   Could he have been on drugs?  It makes me wonder when he finally soaked his panties in ecstasy if he got any takers to sell their gold.  One thing was for sure, it was pretty obvious he was determined to enjoy his time on the clock.   He was self absorbed into his music and didn't give a rat's a$$ who seen it.  He could have been in the comfort of his own house.
     

       I laughed myself silly all through town with tears leaking from my eyes and blowing snot from my nose, and came close to peeing my pants.  My whole family about died laughing.   Never assume you have seen it all, because chances are a sight will present itself to prove you otherwise.  If I had to guess what he was listening to on those microscopic headphones, my hyperactive imagination would guess “I’m Sexy and I know it!!” until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

Focus on This!: Silly!

The Lack of Balance: Catch Me I’m Falling!!!

      I have never been the most graceful person in the world.  Even on an average day it is normal for me to careen around corners like a bat out of hell leaving humongous bruises on my arms because I cut the corner entirely to short in my rush.  I even managed to give myself a concussion simply because I lost my balance once when I got up in the night to pee, effectively falling and banging my temple on the headboard of the bed.  That little catastrophe put me out of commission for a month.

     That is why only G0d himself could explain why when I was bigger than a house pregnant with my daughter that I decided to encourage my husband to rent a canoe to take out on the lake while we were camping.  Before I go any further, canoes are tipsy little things in the first place.

     Their overall construction would tell a normal person with even a shred of common sense that an overly pregnant lady shouldn’t even attempt to get in to one.  Even a skinny athletic person with a reasonable amount of balance can find that a canoe is a bit tipsy.  Looking back, I can’t even explain what my motivation was.   We rented the canoe , put it into the water, and prepared to get in.  It was at that illuminating moment I realized that my overly pregnant body might not be able to handle getting in or getting out of a canoe.  While my husband held my hand to balance me, I carefully put one foot into the boat.  The canoe rocked violently and with a scream I clutched at my husband with both hands terrified that I was doomed to take a plunge into the lake.  I had simply not taken into account that being pregnant would completely throw off my balance.  Live and learn I guess.

     Even all these years later I am still not a good judge of my own ability to balance.  A while back while at the store I leaned over this huge box filled with bags of potatoes in the hopes of snagging one to add to my shopping cart.  I found out the hard way that the cardboard box wouldn’t hold my weight and I fell face first into the potatoes laughing my fool head off as I sprawled spread eagle.  It turns out it is a lot easier to fall into potatoes than it is to scramble your way back out.  By the time I managed to crawl out, several other shoppers were gawking and snickering at my display.  I bounced up and dusted myself off trying to maintain my cool and failing miserably.  I couldn’t quite pull it off, because I couldn’t stop laughing.   That poor box wasn’t quite as strong as I thought it would be.

     One of these times I may just achieve perfect balance.  It isn’t bloody likely, but it could happen. Occasionally a moment of insanity hits and I dig out my Wii Fit board and take on the Yoga balance challenges.  Even that is laughable, because the only way I can get through them is to hang onto a kitchen chair.  So yes, I cheat at Wii Fit.  I admit it! It is better than falling on my face, and that perfectly poised avatar doesn’t know the difference.  No harm, no foul. 

  

     At this point in my life I have accepted that I am a klutz and have very little if no balance.   Some people are perfectly comfortable traipsing about on a tight rope, a balance beam, or riding a unicycle.  Sadly, I am not one of those people.  All I can do, is sit by and watch silently thanking the good Lord that I survived another day without ending up in traction.  I have accepted the fact that I was not put on this earth to amaze people by my ability to balance my a$$ on the wind.  For those amazing feats, you will have to look to someone else.  However,  if you are looking for a dazzling star for America’s Funniest Videos, then I am your girl!! 

     On the upside, I have  noticed that life as I know it is getting easier to balance as I grow older.   Perhaps there is hope for me after all!!   Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.