The Lack of Balance: Catch Me I’m Falling!!!

      I have never been the most graceful person in the world.  Even on an average day it is normal for me to careen around corners like a bat out of hell leaving humongous bruises on my arms because I cut the corner entirely to short in my rush.  I even managed to give myself a concussion simply because I lost my balance once when I got up in the night to pee, effectively falling and banging my temple on the headboard of the bed.  That little catastrophe put me out of commission for a month.

     That is why only G0d himself could explain why when I was bigger than a house pregnant with my daughter that I decided to encourage my husband to rent a canoe to take out on the lake while we were camping.  Before I go any further, canoes are tipsy little things in the first place.

     Their overall construction would tell a normal person with even a shred of common sense that an overly pregnant lady shouldn’t even attempt to get in to one.  Even a skinny athletic person with a reasonable amount of balance can find that a canoe is a bit tipsy.  Looking back, I can’t even explain what my motivation was.   We rented the canoe , put it into the water, and prepared to get in.  It was at that illuminating moment I realized that my overly pregnant body might not be able to handle getting in or getting out of a canoe.  While my husband held my hand to balance me, I carefully put one foot into the boat.  The canoe rocked violently and with a scream I clutched at my husband with both hands terrified that I was doomed to take a plunge into the lake.  I had simply not taken into account that being pregnant would completely throw off my balance.  Live and learn I guess.

     Even all these years later I am still not a good judge of my own ability to balance.  A while back while at the store I leaned over this huge box filled with bags of potatoes in the hopes of snagging one to add to my shopping cart.  I found out the hard way that the cardboard box wouldn’t hold my weight and I fell face first into the potatoes laughing my fool head off as I sprawled spread eagle.  It turns out it is a lot easier to fall into potatoes than it is to scramble your way back out.  By the time I managed to crawl out, several other shoppers were gawking and snickering at my display.  I bounced up and dusted myself off trying to maintain my cool and failing miserably.  I couldn’t quite pull it off, because I couldn’t stop laughing.   That poor box wasn’t quite as strong as I thought it would be.

     One of these times I may just achieve perfect balance.  It isn’t bloody likely, but it could happen. Occasionally a moment of insanity hits and I dig out my Wii Fit board and take on the Yoga balance challenges.  Even that is laughable, because the only way I can get through them is to hang onto a kitchen chair.  So yes, I cheat at Wii Fit.  I admit it! It is better than falling on my face, and that perfectly poised avatar doesn’t know the difference.  No harm, no foul. 

  

     At this point in my life I have accepted that I am a klutz and have very little if no balance.   Some people are perfectly comfortable traipsing about on a tight rope, a balance beam, or riding a unicycle.  Sadly, I am not one of those people.  All I can do, is sit by and watch silently thanking the good Lord that I survived another day without ending up in traction.  I have accepted the fact that I was not put on this earth to amaze people by my ability to balance my a$$ on the wind.  For those amazing feats, you will have to look to someone else.  However,  if you are looking for a dazzling star for America’s Funniest Videos, then I am your girl!! 

     On the upside, I have  noticed that life as I know it is getting easier to balance as I grow older.   Perhaps there is hope for me after all!!   Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.