Emotional Retreat

     It is where I go to cope with the demons in my head.  The ones that tell me I am no good and my life has no purpose.  It is a place for those moments when I look in the mirror and see for my undiscerning eye why my husband doesn’t come home, and why he hasn’t been home for so long.  

      It is in that dark place in my mind where I forget that he left because his job requires him too and has nothing to do with me personally.  It is not because of the ugly, fat woman that I see staring back at me in the mirror and will always stare back at me no matter how many pounds I lose or what others see.  Bills must be paid.  We must survive.  It is what he does.  It is only me who has lost my way.  It is me who can no longer sleep through the night because I have to pee NOW.  It is me who needs the damn anti depressants to get through each day, not the real me who once seemed so strong.  Where did that girl go that giggled uncontrollably at just about anything?  It is in this peaceful setting by the sea I retreat to find her once again hoping if only I could find her; I would once again find my purpose for being.  It is there I know without a shadow of doubt that I could find any hope of recapturing my youth before I lose it entirely.  It is inside those four walls I may find a shred of sanity and the happiness this enemy called menopause and anxiety has stolen from me.  That is my doctor’s excuse for all these dark thoughts that I struggle with.  Where is that girl who would sooner say “Fuck you Menopause!!? You can kiss my happy ass!” before effectively dropping her drawers and mooning all who care to see?  Damned if I should know, but I sure do wish she would get her happy ass back here before I go barking mad.    

      I sit inside and listen to the clock tick and the sea lap onto the shore.   It is here I cuddle my dogs close and occasionally nuzzle my daughter’s cat.  My fur babies love me no matter what and feeding them helps to flame that undying love.  I am not so far gone that I don’t realize that.  Any devotion is appreciated at this point.  It is here I wait for them all to return to me.  All music has left me.  I don’t even think to turn on the CD player.  There is no desire to find a beat or rhythm.  There is only the reality of my desperate hope that somewhere among the ashes my soul will rise and soar again.  Life is passing me by and I have all but lost the will to stop it.  If only I could.  My husband will return as he always does but what will he find?  Will I be afraid to leave the safety of this haven even for him?  Will I trust he will be happy to see me?  I won’t think on that now.  I will think about it on the faraway tomorrow when he finally returns.  I will think of it then and force myself to smile each afternoon when the school bus returns because besides all these warring feelings, I really am happy to envelope both of those precious beings with my undying love for them.

        I sit inside this small abode and watch the storm clouds of my emotions swirl struggling through each day praying that one day I will laugh again and my silly will return full time and not just for an occasional glimmer.  It is my safe haven.  It is where I go to process the feelings that bring me down and overwhelm me.  I withdraw into my own little shelter beside the sea as the storm clouds gather and the hormones rage.  I am not ready for this.  I am not ready to be old.   It is why I grasp desperately for any new signs of purpose and life: a class, a new job, just anything!!   Like countless before me and even more who follow, I guess I don’t have a choice.  I need to just handle it.  It will be soon time to wade back into the deep end and leave this peaceful retreat.  Until then, I will put it off and try to embrace what I don’t understand.  I will retreat within and pray for peace longing to discover the inner flame that I once had.

All photos courtesy of Morguefile.