Sunday, August 5, 2012

You’re Beautiful-BFF 215






     Before I started school I had little doubt in my mind that I was beautiful because my mom told me all the time.  She loved me.  I was her little girl and I was beautiful to her.  Once I reached school I discovered that I wasn’t the rest of the world’s idea of beautiful, and quite honestly the truth of it hurt.
     



     As I got older my classmates let me know in no uncertain terms that I was ugly.  I believed them.  I looked in the mirror and believed every single word. I was too short.  I had four eyes.  I had braces on my teeth and my front teeth had failed to appear thanks to a too small palette and cruel twist of fate.  Because of these flaws few of them took the time to get to know me.  It probably wasn’t considered cool to be seen with me. At least that is what I imagined.  What few friends I found moved on as soon as boys noticed they existed.  I was teased, ridiculed, and made fun of.  Sadly I believed everything they said. 


        At the time I remember getting a book that was titled how to become beautiful or something like it.  It basically held between its pages beauty tips on how to make your hair shine and have flawless skin.  I tried every trick in the book and still it didn’t help me.  Years later while visiting a salon for a new style the stylist pulled out a can of Sexy Hair.  When a few sprays of that didn’t seem to do the job she left and returned with an economy sized can.  I had learned my lessons well.  I told her it didn’t matter if she emptied a vat of the stuff on my head I still wouldn’t be sexy or beautiful.  She didn’t know what to say to that but had the good sense not to attempt to sell me a can of the stuff.




       During my school years I felt invisible.  People would say hello back when I said hello to them and then they would go on their merry way leaving me alone.  By the time a guy noticed I existed and told me he thought I was beautiful I had become forever jaded certain that something surely had to be drastically wrong with him to think so.  Still there was that girl deep inside who hoped he really felt that way.  It turned out there was a lot wrong with him.  He was an alcoholic and a wife beater.  Lucky me to have nabbed his happy butt!  I was even luckier when he decided to leave without a backwards glance.


        When I married again I found a man who really did love me.  When he looked into my eyes I felt beautiful.  It didn’t matter a tinker’s damn that no one else did.  He did, and that is all that mattered.  On our wedding day I found the prettiest dress I could  and when I gazed into his eyes I finally felt beautiful.  I believed it to be true.  I knew in my heart he loved me, and I loved him in return.  When the wedding pictures came back I proudly took them off to work to share them with my co-workers knowing that for the first time in my life not only did I feel I looked good in those pictures but I was even fooled into thinking I was beautiful if only for that moment.  


        I worked with the lady I had chosen for my matron of honor and as she was looking at my wedding pictures another co worker came up and started going on and on about how beautiful my friend looked in my wedding pictures.  I was the bride for crying out loud, but once again I felt as if even on the most important day of my life when I was sure I had been beautiful I obviously had not been.  Since when is the matron of honor more beautiful than the bride?  I mean what the hell!!  I snatched my photo album away and went back to my desk devastated.


     Does beauty really matter all that much?  Is it really necessary to spend thousands of dollars to have bigger boobs and perfection if deep inside you are an evil bitch to everyone you meet?  It must matter to some or plastic surgeons wouldn’t be making a fortune.  Still beauty to me goes far deeper.  It is kindness and genuine smiles.  It is exhibited best in those who love no matter what without conditions, someone who treats everyone exactly the same no matter what.  True beauty comes even more apparent when you delve deeper than outward appearances and really discover a kind loving person within.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if people knew this instinctively from the get go  that everyone is beautiful in their own special way?  If only,  until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

12 comments:

  1. What you mention about your childhood is heartbreaking. Irreverent clearly the cruelty of growing up and now I have to witness it with my own children. My 8 year old had a tough yearcdociallyvand it boaters me hat so young, he doesn't like who he sees in the mirror and already wishes he were someone else.

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    1. Sandra, because of my own experiences I have tried to prepare my kids for the cruelty they would surely find when they went to school. They have both had a taste of bullying but fortunately both seem to have friends and be fairly popular with their peers. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments! ♥

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  2. I'm so sad that you went through that crap as a kid. Children can be so cruel. I felt the same way...the ugly duckling, except no one ever told me I was beautiful, not even anyone in my family. It was always, 'you could be so pretty IF....' Fortunately my fiance' really thinks I am beautiful and he makes me feel good about myself. Finally. And btw, I think you are beautiful!!!

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    1. JoJo, they can be. It is sad even your family told you if only...UGH. Thank goodness for your Russell to make you feel wonderful. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your sweet comments!♥

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  3. This made my eyes leak. This is why we need to raise our children with tolerance and appreciation of others. We HAVE to teach our children not only how to combat bullies, they will always exist, but we have to make certain OUR OWN children are caring about people who look different, or act different or in any way at all are not stereotypically beautiful people! We have to raise a generation of people who have friends who are GOOD people with GOOD hearts and not just pretty faces.
    I see your beauty every time I talk with you or read your work. I see your beauty every time you comment on the work of others. I know your heart and I love everything about it!

    Your beauty is the real and forever kind. And that face, it's darned nice to look at too! Beautiful, in fact. ♥

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    1. Jo, well said my dear friend. Everyone is beautiful in their own unique way and people simply need to give others a chance to show them what great people they are instead of making decisions based solely on their appearance. I appreciate your comments because they made my eyes leak. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your insight and kind comments! ♥

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  4. You are beautiful inside and I think pretty darn good looking on the outside too. Each time you have written about these issues, I just feel like smacking anybody who hurt you. But then, on the other hand, your experiences have made you one of the best people I know. So, it is true that our experiences make us strong and better. Love you my friend. ♥

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    1. Darlene, sometimes I feel like a broken record but a lot of these writing prompts hit on some of the same ole feelings and times that are firmly etched in my past. I can't escape them because without them, you are right, I wouldn't be me. I am pleased you enjoyed my post and I would have paid to see you smacking a few of those a$$holes who shall remain nameless. LMAO!! Thank you for stopping in to read and for your sweet comments. Love ya right back my dear friend!! ♥

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  5. It is hard to read about the things people do to each other. But, I liked how you expressed the events and what you've become. One good thing -- you've stopped the abuse in your family by helping your children to handle those cruel remarks. You go girl!

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    1. Betty, a person can never stop all of it but a person can prepare for the onslaught and hopefully reduce the damage it causes in the process. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments! ♥

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  6. Kathy, I can relate to your post so well as I went through it too. I think you looked absolutely beautiful and radiant on your wedding day and you are beautiful now. Your mother was right.

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    1. Suzy, Thank you for stopping by to read and for your sweet comments!! ♥

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