Thursday, September 6, 2012

Déjà Vu

I have struggled and racked my brain for a Deja Vu moment in response to this weeks challenge. My mind kept coming back to a topic which I have touched on many times before here on my blog.  While the subject matter is repetitive,  I lived it, and it is all I got.  As much as the events described in this story were pivotal points in my life, I can't imagine anyone who has loved and lost a parent,  child, or  spouse not being forever changed by their lives and deaths.  With that being said, I hope you enjoy reading my story in spite of the subject matter.  A teacher once told me to write what I know, so in response to this week's prompt, I have done just that.

     I woke early to the insistent meows of my cat.  I opened one eye, and then another.  The sun was blinding.  I peered over to my alarm clock and saw that it was shortly after 8 in the morning.  Now that I was awake, I had to pee.   There was no question about it.  I might as well get up, feed the cat, and check on my mom.  The night before had been rough and I hoped she was able to get some rest.  The disease was taking its toll.  I had been exhausted physically and mentally and had hit my pillow and fell instantly asleep the night before.  She had slept in her recliner.  It had been such an effort the previous day for her to get there from the bedroom that I simply had covered her with my graduation quilt and left her there.

      She looked peaceful as I passed by her on my way to the kitchen to feed the cat.  The cat was happy.  I hope my mom feels better this morning because yesterday had been one of her bad days.  I approached quietly and spoke to her.  She didn’t respond.  On she slept.  I touched her face.  It was ice cold, and instead of being pliable she felt hard.  I backed away in horror.  Tears sprang to my eyes as I rushed to the phone and dialed the next door neighbor’s number.  “I can’t wake my mom up!!  I think she is dead!! Come quick!!  I don’t know what to do!” I sobbed.  They told me they would be right over to confirm what I already knew.  My mom was gone.  I was alone and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.





       Years later I had lunch with my dad one winter afternoon.  After doing his laundry and tidying up his house he had suggested we drive to Wendy’s for a bite and then I and my daughter could go on home and he would return to his house.  While we ate our burgers and fries we talked.  I noticed that out of the clear blue he started talking absolute nonsense and seemed confused.  We made light of it and went on.  I wasn’t worried at the time.  My thoughts were focused on the fact that my husband would be home that night.  I asked my Dad if he wanted us to call when my husband got home no matter how late like usual.  He shook his head no, claimed he was tired and would probably go to bed early.  That night when my husband arrived, we called anyway.  The phone rang off the hook then the answering machine came on.  I assumed he was asleep.  All the next day I tried unsuccessfully to reach my Dad.  By that night I was beginning to worry.  We decided to drop by his house and find out if he was OK.

         Something wasn’t right.  My Dad’s truck was covered in snow and it was obvious he hadn’t been anywhere because there were no tracks.  The house was dark.  Maybe he was sleeping.  I dug in my purse for my key and left my husband and daughter waiting in the truck while I went in the house.  I called out as I entered and noticed the bathroom and bedroom lights were on.   As I rounded the corner I saw him.  I experienced déjà vu.  For a brief moment I saw my mother lying dead before me instead of my Dad.  Terror washed over me as I rushed into the room.  My Dad was sprawled face down on the bedroom floor.  He was lying at an odd angle over the exposed bed frame.  There was blood.  “Oh G0d no, this can’t be happening again! Not my Dad too!  He is dead!!”  As I dropped to the floor beside him he tried to speak and I realized he was still alive.  I couldn’t understand him.  “I am going to get help!!”  I ran back outside and motioned for my husband to come explaining as we ran what I had discovered.  We turned him over on his back and then I called 911.

       I had experienced this terror before.  I had experienced the same heartache and devastation.  Here I was again.  This time, it wasn’t my mom.  It was my Dad.  The outcome was still devastating.  It was a moment of déjà vu that I hope I never have to repeat again with someone I love.  G0d certainly would never assume I was strong enough to withstand a shock of that magnitude more than twice in one lifetime.


30 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry, Kathy.

    There are just no words suitable to share. I am sorry you had to experience this even once, but twice is just sad, sad.

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    1. Maggie, thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments. ♥

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  2. Oh Kathy.. My heart is breaking for you.. I can't even imagine the pain and heartache. Hugs, hugs and more hugs.. I am so, so sorry.. xoxox

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    1. Mimi, thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments! ♥

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  3. I do believe this is the best piece of writing you have ever done. I believe it is the most moving, most heartbreaking and nearly all readers can relate to this kind of love and devastation. If not the loss of their parents, the fear of losing them. The fear of being the one who found them, too late.
    You know how much I wish I could erase these memories for you and make them just ease off into the recesses of your mind, but they never will. They are life changing events. You are stronger and you are capable of anything because you came through these days and still open your heart to love and be loved.
    I just adore you and your heart. Excellent writing here.

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    1. Jo, I am so pleased you enjoyed it. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments. ♥

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  4. I know how you feel, and felt. I've been there. Losing your parents is something that changes you. Grief pulls at you and stretches you, and the process expands you, makes you more 'spacious,' spiritually speaking.

    But going through it hurts like nothing else. I'm sorry.

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    1. Tim, it does change you like nothing else. A lot of time has passed since my parents passed and it is easier now to share the experience with others so they can realize how precious and short life is. Death is part of life. It happens to us all eventually. Time to be sorry has passed. Neither of my parents would have wanted to remain here and suffered like they did before they went. They are much better off in heaven. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments. ♥

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    2. Thank you for your kind responses. I don't think that the time to be sorry is ever past. My dad died in '97, and my brother and mom died in 2003. I still miss them, and the grief still tugs at me. And I think that it's supposed to...

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    3. Kathy, you are welcome. You tend to look at death and other people's suffering differently once you have experienced it yourself. It gets easier with time, but I still have my days. I agree, I think it serves a purpose and it is supposed to. Thank you for stopping back in. ♥

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  5. When my father died, I was not not there. I did not have to be the one to discover him, nor make any arrangements. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to do that.

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    1. Lee, it was hard but it was the very last thing I could do for them so that in itself was a comfort. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments.♥

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  6. Oh that's awful. :( I'm so, so sorry you experienced this awful Deja Vu.

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    1. JoJo, I wished I hadn't either, but since then I have realized it was meant to be. I had the strength to do what needed done at the time. I learned from the experiences and took away from them a whole new perspective about life and death which was really a good thing. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments. ♥

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    1. Word Nerd, thank you for stopping by to read and for the love. ♥

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  8. death of a loved one is awful.. especially an unexpected death... the world begins to spin, way too fast.... thanks for sharing, kathy..

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    1. Danneromero, it certainly does. There is no going back. Death is so final. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments! ♥

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  9. Gosh, I can understand why you keep going back to this memory ... its pretty devastating

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    1. Ritu, things like this are hard to forget. As time rolls on I can push it to the back recesses of my mind most of the time. When thinking of this challenge, it was the first thing that came to mind as a deja vu moment. I put off writing it until I finally decided to go ahead with it since it was pretty obvious I couldn't think of anything else. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments! ♥

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  10. Your post took me back to the last hours of my father's life. I watched him struggle and his forehead was so cold. It was so hard to watch him, but I'm glad I was there with him all through the night. Thanks for sharing a very heartfelt post. love and hugs.

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    1. Suzy, it is weird how a person remembers details about things like this, but you try to remember what you did yesterday or last Monday and all the days and mundane moments run together into a blur. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments! ♥

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  11. ugh....so so HEAVY...death is....it happens to us all...we just never know when it will hit us...visit our loved ones. This is sad deja vu..
    ((((((( hugs ))))))) i felt every step

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    1. Brenda, I take that as a compliment. As a writer, I wanted you to feel every step and feel like you were in the action experiencing it or visualizing it. I must have accomplished what I set out to do. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments.♥

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  12. Not the kind of deja vu I'd like.



    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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    1. Joyce, me either. I racked my brain for a deja vu of the happy kind. I guess I haven't had any of those. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments! ♥

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  13. I'm so sorry Kathy. We often wonder just how much one heart can bear. xoxo

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    1. Beachlover, the bible says in it somewhere that we are never given more than we can handle and I believe that. Death is part of life. Events like this teach a lot and make us stronger. They are necessary and unavoidable. There have been many times when I wonder why I had to be the one to find them both. Somehow I knew what to do and handled the situation at the time. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments. ♥

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  14. So sorry Kathy but, like Jo, I believe this is the best piece of writing you have ever done. I was sitting in the living room watching TV and my Dad was stretched out on the sofa in the evening of Father's Day. My Dad began making strange noises. My Mother came in and asked him what was wrong but he just said, "I don't know" and laid back down. That was it, he passed away right there. It was quite a shock since he was only 41 and hadn't really been sick. However, he had pain in his left shoulder and had been perspiring heavily in the afternoon.

    Again, I'm so sorry that you've had to experience such shocks with both parents.

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    1. Betty, that must have been a horrible shock. It just goes to prove you never know. Thank you for stopping by, your comments, and your praise. ♥

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