If I Had to Live My Life Over

     There is one thing that has plagued me all week as I geared up to write this particular challenge.  I have thought about it and had an epiphany of sorts.  When I was growing up all I ever dreamed of being was an artist.  I drew and painted constantly.  As I got older and more and more art courses became available for me to take, I took them and learned, perfecting my skill.  I worked all through senior year on an advanced placement portfolio which in the end would have helped me skip several first year college courses.  I graduated high school and what did I do?? I marched off to Belmont University to pursue a Music Business degree.  

       Looking back on it, I wonder WHY I would have done such a thing.  Then the answer was obvious.  My mom would have thought it was cool.  Hell even I thought rubbing elbows with the stars of the music industry would be exciting. Away I went, after spending all that time and energy on my art.  The only problem was that obviously my heart wasn’t in it because I dropped out, packed up shop, and moved back home.  It is pretty alarming to realize at this late stage in the game that my head was firmly planted up my a$$ even back then which means I was probably born with my head up my a$$ and will die with it there.  Oh it might peek out for air every now and again, but it is firmly lodged there regardless.

       I have thought all week if only I had stayed!!  I should have stayed!!  Why didn’t I just stay??  I could have gotten my degree!!  Then this week a realization hit me like a ton of bricks.  Considering that I eventually went back to school for graphic design and almost completed an associate’s degree, what might have happened if I had majored in art in the first place?  I probably would have stuck at it.  I probably would be a college graduate today.  If I could have only got my education over with in one full swoop, my life would have been a whole lot different.  If I had my life to live over I would have majored in art the first time around and stuck at it.  I would have got my education over with BEFORE I figured out what it was like to earn a pay check and work a 40 hour week. 

         Life stepped in as it is prone to do.  Doing such a thing would have altered my life substantially.  I still would have married my husband and had my two kids.  I wouldn’t trade them for the world, but by staying in college after high school I would have bypassed ever meeting that first a$$hole I married and saved myself a world of grief.  If I had that brain fart to do over, I would have said “NO” and ran away.  If I had done that just imagine where my art might have taken me!  If I had stayed in school, I would have graduated and been involved with my career when my mom got sick and died.  Most likely if things had played out in that way I wouldn’t have been there for her.  As hard as it was to take care of her at times, as hard as it was to find her dead that morning, I wouldn’t change it.  I will always be grateful I had that time with her.  I wanted to be there for her and I am glad I was.  She never let me down, and I never did her either.  I have no regrets about being there for my Dad either.  Same scenario, I wouldn’t change a thing.  Maybe if I had some big successful career I wouldn’t been.  

         I learned the hard way, and perhaps that was important.  I can pass on first hand wisdom to my kids if they care to listen and I can go on from here.  Life is good, and it isn’t over until I draw my last breath but ultimately there are some people in life worth sacrificing dreams for.  I wouldn’t trade one golden minute I shared with either my kids or my parents for a career in art.    Ultimately, I am where I need to be in life.  If fate brings an opportunity to pursue my art again, so be it.  Picking up a sketchbook or a box of paints sounds very appealing to me all of a sudden.  Who knows what the future will hold?  G0d gave me this gift for some reason.  Eventually I am sure He will share with the class WHY.  I can’t go back, but I can go forward which is what I intend to do.  In the end, it is still going to be a good life no matter which wrong turns I take.  In the end I will end up in the same place until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

Redo? - Hit the Rewind Button

     Over the course of my life I have often wished I could go back and redo some things.  If I had the chance I would have reacted differently, and maybe taken my head out of my a$$ long enough to contemplate the big picture before I acted or opened my mouth.  If only I could have just calmed down and relaxed a little about life while living it!

      Ultimately, the downfall of life is there is no rewind button. We go through life doing the best we can.  We try, fail, and try again.  No one is perfect and we all are capable of mistakes.  The beauty of mistakes is our ability to learn from them and come out the other end better and smarter people for it.   Some of my stupidest mistakes have made for the best and funniest stories.  Who wouldn’t want to redo that moment when you had your head up you’re a$$ and backed into that other person’s car at Target?  Who wouldn’t have wanted to have removed your head from you’re a$$ before you ran head long into the men’s room with a camera sporting a zoom lens?  Who wouldn’t want to redo that moment when you realized you locked your keys in your car?  Who wouldn’t want to go back and choose NOT to wear that outfit with the zipper from neck to crotch that slid painstakingly all the way down in front of a classroom of people?  There are millions of little “Oh $hit” moments that could stand a wave of the re do wand.  The thing is, once it is out there and done, there is no going back.   

        For instance, if I could go back and do things over I would have never got married at the tender age of 20.  I would have waited until the love of my life came along when I was 28 and married once, for forever.   I would have never quit college. I would have stayed, stuck it out, and got my degree then and there.  G0d only knows what I would have done with it if I had it, but at least I would have completed it, and have it to my credit to flaunt.  It doesn’t really matter a tinkers damn that I went to college now since I never got the degree.  It is like time wasted.  I can already imagine many of you in the peanut gallery proclaiming I can always go back.  This may be true, but at this point in my life my biggest question would be “WHY?”  It seems like a waste of time and money.  I am past the point of wanting to please a teacher for a grade in the hopes I might learn something.  I would rather please a boss and earn money if a job was to be had, and better yet please myself.  At this point my hopes are for my children and their bright futures and helping them find happiness.  My time has passed. I know I sound like I am 105 at 43, but there just aren’t funds for everyone to have a dream.  

       If I could do things differently I would have tried to nurture friendships in school which could have lasted throughout my life. Other people did it.  I might have been able to do it too.  That is not saying that I would want to be stuck in “high school” forever with the same people, different day.  Still, some bosom friends that have seen me through thick and thin, sick and sin, throughout the highs and lows of life would have been nice.   I shouldn’t have walked away from high school without looking back at the folks I left behind.  I always kept to myself holding others at arms length in high school.  At the time I felt those folks had 4 years to get to know me and be friends.  They had plenty of time.   If I could do that over I would have not got hung up panting after one idiot but would have realized that life was a lot bigger and lasts a lot longer than high school. It was not the end all or be all of life.  Sure there were those select few that married their high school sweethearts but most people found their true loves later in life elsewhere.
                

     Although I would love to redo some things, I can’t.  Without the broken road of life I have traveled I wouldn't know or appreciate where I am today and how I got to this point.  No redo needed for this girl, I am good.   So that is my take on redoing things, no matter how many times I rewrite it, or slice it until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

Studying, UGH

Thanks for the post, Vernon Lowe

     I hate studying, I really do, and I can’t wait to finish up school soon. I loved being in college the first time around but now that I’m a mom I really hate having to leave my kids so I can go to campus and walk around with all the 18 year olds that are there. I wish I had gotten the right degree the first time around but I didn’t so you know, I guess that’s all there is to say about that. 

  

    I’m almost done with my Masters though so I know that it won’t take long for me to get out there and start working in the field I want to be in. I love using my Wireless Internet at the library when it’s dark out but at the same time I really miss my kids. I guess studying is just taking up more of my time than I expected it to and I’m dealing with it as I can but it’s been a long hard road for me.

Coming of Age: Saying Bye Bye to Childhood

     What is the moment that you leave childhood and enter adulthood ?? Popular opinion would pin that moment at the graduation of high school at the tender age of 18. Not only are you no longer considered a minor by the laws of the land, but from the moment you throw that cap into the air at graduation you embark on the first day to the rest of your life. But, have you truly entered adulthood at that point?? You can buy cigarettes without any headaches if you have a mind to. You can move out on your own, get married, vote, and enlist into the military. Still, in my mind you are still technically in your teens and still have limitations.

     For example, until you are 21, you can not purchase alcohol or go get soused at a bar. If you want to drive a big rig like my husband does, you have to be 18 to even apply for a CDL license. If you want to haul stuff that could blow up you or someone else on impact, then you have to be 21. By the age of 21, most people who went onto college after high school are ready to embark on the rest of their life and the daunting task of paying back any loans for that education. If you marched off to college, have you really embarked on adulthood yet?? Maybe, maybe not. At that point, you may still be going home to your parents house on breaks. You certainly haven’t got a real 40 hour a week job yet because it took all of your time just to handle school. 21 is considered legal age limit for just about everything else. 

     For myself personally, I can honestly say that true “adulthood” to the point where…”you are on your own” didn’t occur until I married my husband and moved out of my parents house once and for all. That is the reality when the weight of never ending bills and responsibility took over. That is when the $hit hit the fan for me. 

   

       Another growing up wake up call was when I had my first baby. If parenthood wasn’t a mind boggling wake up call that it was time to grow up, mature, and handle life, I don’t know what was. That was when the ability to run around and party, go to movies, concerts, and drop everything to rush to Cedar Point came to a screeching halt. At that point, it was time to wake up, smell the coffee, and settle down if I hadn’t already because I had a sweet helpless being depending on me to handle it. True I was older than most at 32 when my first precious bundle was born, but by then I could really appreciate her. If I had her before that, I may not have been as patient. Besides from about that time on, money has been in short supply.

     Some folks are forced to grow up in a big hurry when they decide to get busy and end up pregnant. Their bodies may be mature enough for such a life altering occurrence, but mentally they may be a long way off. For myself personally, I am glad I waited until I had been married 3 years before my first baby arrived. True, some folks my age didn’t wait and are grandparents today. Mind boggling to be sure. I am thankful I am not one of them.

     So to answer when is the exact moment that you leave your childhood behind, it is as individual of an answer as each human being is different. Sometimes due to our choices and other circumstances, $hit happens, and life takes over. Then you just have to roll with it. Society places the adulthood bar at 21, and upon reflection I would say that on average…that is about right. Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

It’s My Life, One Day at A Time!- BFF 130

     It’s my life, one day at a time with attitude. Isn’t it amazing that when you are a kid, even a teenager…your head is full to overflowing with dreams and big plans which include being rich and famous, the happily ever after, and the whole enchilada. I was no different than any other teenager. I had the world by the a$$ and had it all figured out, or so I thought.



    I graduated near the top of my class. The next four years were planned out. I was off to college, off to conquer the world, off to make a life for myself. It was going to be a great life. Then I went off to school and it did not turn out quite like I planned. I realized after a few short months that my heart just was not in it. I struggled. It turned out, it really was not where I belonged. I was homesick from the onset and drove 8 hours home every weekend.  Since I was in Nashville, Tennessee my mom could not resist having an excuse to spend time at the Opryland Hotel , visit, shop, and hang out whenever she could sneak away from home.  

      When my dad called up one day and told her she had to go home and deal with the leaves, I grabbed my a$$ and all my possessions, quit school, and went home too right behind her. Just like that. I remember being afraid to confront my Dad about quitting school.  It was to late to get any refund.   He came into my room and sat down on my bed, and was silent for a few minutes. I was bracing myself for a real telling off, when he shocked me by saying…”Well, since you are home and not doing anything else, how would you like to go to Disney World ??” Excuse me?? Sphincter says what??? Can I get a “Hell Yeah!!!” ?? Needless to say, my folks were the epitome of cool and deliciously unpredictable.

     I gave up all sense of planning the day my mother’s kidneys failed, and when she was diagnosed with multiple myeloma we began living each day as if it were her last. The day came when it was her last and all to soon, she was gone. In my overwhelming grief, my life whirled out of control, lost meaning, and direction. I quit planning and dreaming. It was an effort to get from one day to the next. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I went to work, and came home. I mourned, and did it well. Eventually my body rebelled. I developed a bleeding ulcer, lost oodles of weight, and after I collapsed at work, my family doctor sat me down and told me I had to get a grip. My mom wouldn’t want me like this. Slowly I returned to the land of the living determined that I would never hurt that badly ever again.  Seems like I had no control over that either.

     When I first became pregnant, I was caught up with the excitement of a new baby. I allowed myself to plan again with excitement. I had heard the baby’s heartbeat. I had felt the baby move. Then one day I went to have an ultrasound. The technician left me and came back with a phone saying my doctor wanted to speak to me. Over the phone he broke the news that my unborn baby was dead. My world shattered. My life fell back into the one day at a time pattern. I vowed no more plans, no more dreams, no more trying to get pregnant. I was done. I was prepared to take each day as it came and to quit hoping for tomorrow.  Much like Scarlett O'Hara, I swore not to think about that now...I would think about that tomorrow...or never if that was the way things went.

     As fate would have it, I was eventually blessed with a husband that I adore and two children who have become the light of my life. I have had homes, and lost them. I have lost even more family members to deaths unyielding grip.   Today I accept it as part of life. I live my life searching for everyday blessings,wisdom,  and invariably find humor and good in most everything. I no longer look past tomorrow, it is just enough to get through today. It’s my life, it’s now or never, one day at a time.  Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

The Road Less Traveled- BFF 129

     Have you ever wondered if you had went down a different path in life, how events would have been different?? Because of this week’s BFF challenge, I have found myself in a reflective mood wondering what if about the road not taken. Would I have changed my path if I could?


     If I hadn’t quit school and come home from Belmont University, would I be a record producer today like I once wanted to be?? Would I be mixing the sound boards for the likes of Taylor Swift, Blake Shelton, or Rascal Flatts?? Hard to tell. Instead I followed my heart home and got a job.

      If I hadn’t came home, I would never have met my first husband. That would have been a good thing! On the other hand, if I hadn’t experienced being married to an abusive husband and survived, I may never have grown a back bone. I also would have never appreciated the husband I have today quite as much if I hadn’t went through that experience with the first. If I hadn’t followed my mom home on that fall day in 1986, I would have never been there to take care of her when she needed me most.

     If I had went back to graphic design school after my mother had died and obtained my degree, would I have a fabulous job in the world of design today full of high pressure stress with little time for anything else? In the long run, would I have been happy doing that like I once though I would?


    The roads that I have went down in life have not always been smooth. They have been fraught with turmoil, laced with lessons, and peppered with laughter and happiness. Still, looking back over the decisions and roads I have taken, I don’t believe I would have changed much. I  would not have wanted to miss the last precious moments of my mom’s or my dad’s lives. I  sure would not  have wanted to miss looking into my husband’s eyes on our wedding day. I would not have wanted to have missed the thrill of holding my precious babies for the first time, their first steps, or their first days of school.


     The path I took made me stronger and wiser. I may not have all the finer things in life or a fabulous career today, but I have everything I need and all that makes  life truly worthwhile. I continue to follow the path G0d intended for me discovering what I need to along the way. There is a reason for everything whether good or bad.   If given the opportunity, I wouldn’t change a thing. Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a truckers wife.