Self

     In school I learned from my peers not to like myself much.  According to them I was too short, had 4 eyes, and when my front teeth still hadn’t surfaced by 7th grade I was deemed a freak.  I got a partial plate that year, and from that moment on if I wasn’t a freak before I surely was a freak there after.  Certainly not good enough to be called a friend, especially by the bosom buddies I ran with who had just discovered boys.  Worse yet when the boys had discovered them, I suddenly was regulated to the sidelines.   They still said hello and made small talk, but from then on I became the loner that I am to this day.  Over the years I have learned to accept it as fact.

       Back then the rejection hurt.  I didn’t understand it.  It is not like I smelled.  I wasn’t obnoxious.  My mom used to tell me if I was nice to everyone, they in turn would be nice to me.  My mom lived in her own fairy story where she was certain simply because a lot of people said hello when we went to football and basketball games that I had oodles of friends and therefore I was popular.  I don’t think she ever believed me when I explained that they were merely people I knew, acquaintances at best. We didn’t hang, we didn’t eat lunch together, and we never ran around together on the weekends.    When it got right down to brass tacks, I didn’t have close friends. 

         Marrying an abusive alcoholic when I was 19 didn’t improve my outlook on myself much. I should have said no but at that point I didn’t have the guts.  The guy liked me enough to want to marry me, and even though I had clear misgivings I went through with it.   In hindsight, it was the biggest mistake of my life.  I should have had the balls to say no, shove my bridal bouquet right up his a$$, and run hell bent for election out of that church until I seen day light.  Instead I said I do and endured 4 and ½ years of being that asshole’s punching bag simply because I wanted to be apart of a twosome.   I know now I didn’t deserve that treatment, but at the time I endured it, was ashamed by it, and was certain I must have done something to deserve it or he wouldn’t have felt the need to dish it up. 

        I eventually found the balls to stand up to him, but at that point I didn’t do it for me.  By then I didn’t give a tinker’s damn if he killed me.  The one thing he wasn’t going to do was start bullying my mom.   I stood up to him, and he divorced me.  Evidently a punching bag with a backbone loses its appeal.  Once my mom died, I embarked on a journey to find myself along a road littered with mistakes.  In a last ditch effort to find  happy ever after I paid a dating service to literally find me a husband.  If they couldn’t I was resigned to live out the rest of my days alone.   I had nothing to lose, and little confidence there was anyone decent out there who would want the likes of me.  I paid for Matchmaker to find me a man with little hope that they would.  Guess what, they did and I married him and had two beautiful kids.  I gave up my full time job when the first arrived to be a full time mom and have been at it ever since.

        By the time I hit my 4th decade of life on this planet I was beginning to wonder if all my life was going to amount to was wiping butts and noses.  I prayed about it and almost instantly the opportunity to write online for this company fell into my lap.  I began blogging, and slowly but surely found my voice.  By the time I did, the company had gone under and I was left without a website, the small income they paid me, and once again grasping for straws.  Fortunately I had learned from my experiences and I designed this website and continued on.  Somewhere along the way I became a writer.  It wasn’t something I imagined I would be doing, but I have found I can’t imagine life without doing it.   I have no idea where my words flow from, only that they do.  Words flow as easy as the air I take in and out.

       After over 40 years of living , I still enjoy being quiet,  although now my quiet is punctuated with giggles, a good dose of silliness, and the capacity to say just about anything.    I no longer take anyone’s $hit and have no problem speaking my mind.  I am happier now than I have ever been.  I am capable of the outrageous,  but at the same time walk the world with a fair amount of common sense.    I am loyal and kind, incapable of dealing with drama, and as one dear blogging buddy recently said a straight shooter.  I have a habitually sunny disposition and plenty of empathy and compassion for others.   I expect very little, and celebrate everything. 

         I can handle anything life throws at me, even when I think I can’t, I manage.   I can be hilariously funny without even trying and I have an amazing ability to find the funny in just about every situation.  I have found a deep faith in G0d that sees me through anything life throws my way.    I live daily with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.  My self esteem issues have come a long way.  I am me, like me, love me, hate me, take me or leave me, I am what I am for better or for worse until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.