My mother loved Halloween. She loved to dress up, decorate the house, take me trick or treating when I was a kid, and hand out Halloween candy. We never got very many trick-or-treaters, but for those few that decided to darken our door Halloween night my mom bought bags of all her favorite candies and filled Halloween themed treat bags. We literally had candy coming out of our ears!!! Didn’t really have to go trick-or-treating, but we did anyway.
One year when I was in my twenties my mom and I dressed up to attend an Oak Ridge Boys concert on Halloween night downtown at the old Elco Theatre . My mom chose that year to dress as a witch and yours truly dressed as a court jester. My mom really wasn’t satisfied with the plain Jane witch costume she bought. It wasn’t her and it certainly didn’t have enough sparkle to wear to see her favorite singing group. Not only that we were sitting on the front row, knew the boys personally, and in my mother’s opinion it would never do to look like a dumpy frumpy witch in front of them.
She decided her witch costume needed sequins and glitz, and even suggested I should spice mine up too. She added black sequins to her witch’s dress, wore spiked 3 inch high heels, adorned herself with sparkly jewelry, and the classic black witches hat. She looked like a rich witch from the right side of the tracks. We both looked pretty good. Unfortunately neither one of us won the top costume prize…that went to some guy who came in a garbage can and covered himself with trash…seriously.
It wasn’t the fact that we went to a concert that night, or the fact we rubbed elbows with the Oak Ridge Boys before and after the concert. Those details have faded with time. What I remember best about my witchy mother was what she did when we got home. You have to understand…we lived across the street from a very busy bank at the time with an equally busy ATM machine and drive up windows. I don’t remember why we made a trip home…maybe we forgot something. That must have been it…because it was still light out and the bank was swarming with cars . My mom peeled rubber into the driveway stirring up a dust cloud in her wake, jumped out of the car, and heisted her witchy skirt to her thighs, squatted and took a very satisfying pi$$ right there on the front lawn in front of G0d, sunny Je$u$, and everyone waiting their turn at the bank!!!
At the time, I laughed my a$$ off at the sight of a Halloween witch on Halloween taking a fresh pi$$ in full view of everyone and his brother. It was hysterical…witch hat and all. I can still see my mother with a look of contented bliss and relief clouding her features that I don’t recall seeing before or since that precise moment. It was peeing at it’s finest. You know the kind….where you have to go so BAD and finally unleash the fury and dump enough urine to fill half of Lake Michigan. She simply couldn’t have waited to unlock the door, dash down the hall, and use the bathroom. It was either squat and pee on the lawn as G0d intended or pee her pants and I can tell you my mom had no intention of doing that! At the time, I am sure she didn’t care one iota that half the free world was watching.
Even this many years later, I have to chuckle at this priceless Halloween memory of my mom. I am afraid it is a memory that will be ingrained in my brain until the day I die. Much better than pi$$ing your witch duds on the biggest bewitching night of the year. Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.