Doubt

     Today the folks at NaBloPoMo want to know my take on doubt.  I think everyone is hit with a shred of doubt at some point in their lives.  As you get older you get a little more in tune with yourself and realize what your limitations are.  You begin to know what you are good at and know yourself well enough to understand what makes you happy.    I know I have a doubt in myself that never totally leaves.  I would like to kick doubt’s a$$ right out of my head and fill my mind with confidence.  I haven't ever been able to accomplish that yet, but I try everyday.    It is habit to be unsure of myself, one that I have fought each day of my life.  I am sure I am not the only person in the world that has ever had doubts.

      When my mom died I had a lot of doubt in G0d.   Let’s just face facts.  I had doubt that I would even be able to continue without her in my life.  I never fathomed that the end of her life would begin a new chapter in mine.  I figured the world would come to an end, but it didn’t.   I didn’t understand at that point that letting my mom die was probably what she wanted most.  She had suffered enough and death would have been a relief for her.  She was ready for the end to come and was resigned to it.  In hindsight, I can understand that.  At the time I prayed G0d would heal her against all odds.  After all, other people had beaten cancer and survived.  Why not her?  It wasn’t meant to be, and her time here was through.  I get that now.  I desperately wanted G0d to answer my prayers but back then when she died I felt he had abandoned me.  It made me sad and angry all at the same time.  Still I held onto the belief that G0d loves everybody, but He had a lot to deal with and He probably didn’t have time for insignificant me.  I fought Him every step of the way and did my own thing.  I found out the hard way, which probably wasn’t the way to go.

         Several years back I injured my back and was facing back surgery.  The enormity of dealing with the aftermath of a major surgery with two small children alone with my husband on the road overwhelmed me.  At that point in my life, I gave up and gave it over to G0d and decided if I was meant to be paralyzed then so be it.  If I was meant to live in pain, so be it.  It was out of my control and I couldn’t do a thing about it.   I only asked for the strength and perseverance to get me through.  I made my peace with it.  The week before surgery was scheduled I went to my pre-op appointment.  After examining me, the surgeon smiled the biggest smile.  He told me that I no longer needed back surgery, and he had no intention of fixing something that no longer needed fixing.  My eyes filled with tears and I knew then that even I mattered to G0d.  He had been paying attention and like the doctor said had performed a modern day miracle on my behalf.

         That day I lost my doubt in the power of G0d.   I lost all doubt that He knew what was best for me, and I believed without any doubt in my mind.  So even though I am not outwardly religious by any stretch of the imagination, I believe without a shadow of a doubt that if I ask G0d for help or guidance He will do what is best and answer.  He may not give me the answer I am hoping for, but it will be an answer that is to the good in the long run and at all levels. I have no doubt that one day I will see my mom and dad again.  I will see those that have gone on before me.  I have no doubt we will all be together again.  I believe. He always provides and in that I have no doubt until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.