Friday, March 16, 2012

Doubt


     Today the folks at NaBloPoMo want to know my take on doubt.  I think everyone is hit with a shred of doubt at some point in their lives.  As you get older you get a little more in tune with yourself and realize what your limitations are.  You begin to know what you are good at and know yourself well enough to understand what makes you happy.    I know I have a doubt in myself that never totally leaves.  I would like to kick doubt’s a$$ right out of my head and fill my mind with confidence.  I haven't ever been able to accomplish that yet, but I try everyday.    It is habit to be unsure of myself, one that I have fought each day of my life.  I am sure I am not the only person in the world that has ever had doubts.


      When my mom died I had a lot of doubt in G0d.   Let’s just face facts.  I had doubt that I would even be able to continue without her in my life.  I never fathomed that the end of her life would begin a new chapter in mine.  I figured the world would come to an end, but it didn’t.   I didn’t understand at that point that letting my mom die was probably what she wanted most.  She had suffered enough and death would have been a relief for her.  She was ready for the end to come and was resigned to it.  In hindsight, I can understand that.  At the time I prayed G0d would heal her against all odds.  After all, other people had beaten cancer and survived.  Why not her?  It wasn’t meant to be, and her time here was through.  I get that now.  I desperately wanted G0d to answer my prayers but back then when she died I felt he had abandoned me.  It made me sad and angry all at the same time.  Still I held onto the belief that G0d loves everybody, but He had a lot to deal with and He probably didn’t have time for insignificant me.  I fought Him every step of the way and did my own thing.  I found out the hard way, which probably wasn’t the way to go.




         Several years back I injured my back and was facing back surgery.  The enormity of dealing with the aftermath of a major surgery with two small children alone with my husband on the road overwhelmed me.  At that point in my life, I gave up and gave it over to G0d and decided if I was meant to be paralyzed then so be it.  If I was meant to live in pain, so be it.  It was out of my control and I couldn’t do a thing about it.   I only asked for the strength and perseverance to get me through.  I made my peace with it.  The week before surgery was scheduled I went to my pre-op appointment.  After examining me, the surgeon smiled the biggest smile.  He told me that I no longer needed back surgery, and he had no intention of fixing something that no longer needed fixing.  My eyes filled with tears and I knew then that even I mattered to G0d.  He had been paying attention and like the doctor said had performed a modern day miracle on my behalf.


         That day I lost my doubt in the power of G0d.   I lost all doubt that He knew what was best for me, and I believed without any doubt in my mind.  So even though I am not outwardly religious by any stretch of the imagination, I believe without a shadow of a doubt that if I ask G0d for help or guidance He will do what is best and answer.  He may not give me the answer I am hoping for, but it will be an answer that is to the good in the long run and at all levels. I have no doubt that one day I will see my mom and dad again.  I will see those that have gone on before me.  I have no doubt we will all be together again.  I believe. He always provides and in that I have no doubt until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.



10 comments:

  1. I don't wish back problems even on my worst enemy. I had back surgery and was looking at a second one years ago, but my body healed itself. What a blessing!

    Catch My Words
    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/

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    1. Joyce, I am so glad your body healed itself!! I have heard there are no guarantees with back surgery and to much chance in my opinion of ending up far worse than you were before you started. Thanks for stopping by to read and for your comments!! So happy for your blessing!

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  2. I know that I do not come off as a woman of faith but I can tell you this, as I have told many, many people in my life. As bold as I am, as tuff as I am, as cocky and arrogant as I appear.. I love and respect God to my core and He humbles me daily.. He also blesses me daily and I have moment by moment thankful to Him for all this crazy life I lead.. I know he loves me, after all, *I* am exactly who He walked with, taught and loved.. The sinner.. I am she but He is my Father..

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    1. Magical Mystical Mimi, it is not up to anyone else to judge either of us except Him, and he knows both of our hearts so neither one of us have any worries. I think you are a lot like me Mimi. I think we both like to have fun and have a raunchy sense of humor. He loves us both and welcomes us both whether we make an outward display and rush to church everyday or not. It isn't the people at church that need to be convinced, it is ultimately Him. No one is perfect, but He loves us all anyways. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments. You truly are a kindred spirit and I feel so blessed that our paths have crossed!!

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  3. What a powerful post! Thank you for sharing your faith and discovery! I know you must miss your mom! So happy that your back was healed without surgery! God is enourmous!

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    1. Holly, I am so pleased you enjoyed my post. I never though "me" of all people would have a "testimony" to share with the class, but I do. I always used to roll my eyes a bit before G0d woke me up to what he could do. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment!

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  4. What a wonderful written testament to your faith. Thanks for sharing it with us.

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    1. Masked Mom, I am so pleased you enjoyed it. Thank you for stopping in to read and comment!!

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  5. Kathy, I am so glad you are feeling on surer grounds with your beliefs. SO glad it worked out for you with your back.

    Cancer sucks. I lost my mom to cancer, too, and regardless of what we believe, it hurts to lose someone we love for the rest of THIS life.

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    1. Beverly, my back hasn't hurt as bad as that ever since. I may get a little achy ever now and then, but nothing like that was. Cancer does suck. I am so sorry to hear about your mom!! My mom died when I was 24 and never got to meet my husband or see my babies. It makes me sad. I would have loved to share that with her. I would have loved to have had her know about this website and my writing. My dad died in 2004, and I would have loved to have had him know I named my son after him. He would have liked that I write too I think. He died of a stroke. Although he suffered after the first stroke, it was nothing compared to the pain my mom endured with her cancer of the bone marrow. She would scream and cry all night. It was awful!! Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!

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