Friday, March 2, 2012

The Right to Choose


     Without any doubt in mind, I would rather make my own choices rather than have someone make them for me.  I have to admit; when I was younger that wasn’t always the case.   Although I always pretty much did my own thing and never went along with the crowd while growing up, I did bow to my mom in a lot of the decision making.  I let her decide and sway my opinion in just about everything including marriage.  My first marriage was an utter nightmare from hell.  


      I had never really dated anyone in high school, and when someone finally paid me more than a passing glance, then decided he wanted to marry me, my mom was all for it.  I figured she knew what was best for me. After all, she had known me my whole life and she liked him.  In hindsight, that is the fact that dominates my memories of that time period the most.  Even though I had clear misgivings about him, my mom liked him and I trusted her judgment at the time.   On the day of my wedding, I didn’t want to go through with it.  He drank, smoked, and did drugs and I didn’t.  I still don’t.  However, the guests were in their pews, the money had been spent, and my mom was so sure everything would work out alright.  I should have followed my gut and ran like hell in the opposite direction.




        When my mom died I was liberated in a way.  Finally I was allowed to step out from behind her shadow and make my own choices.  With each small success and choice, I gained a little more confidence.  I also realized I liked making my own decisions. Sometimes the only person who really knows what is best for you is you.  One thing about it, if it is your own choice and it turns out to be a bad one, you can only blame yourself.  There is no “she or he made me do it!!” or finger pointing.   It is a wonderful thing to be able to choose what  to wear, what  to eat, or where to go. To be honest, I let others sway my decision to write in the beginning.  I wasn’t all that sure I could write, or that I wanted to.  Then I tried it, and it kind of grew on me. Now it is almost as essential as breathing. Who would have thought?


       The right to choose was even clearer when my Dad died.  He had a stroke.  He had signed a living will before hand saying that he never wanted to be kept alive by machines if living a normal life was beyond hope.  Once my mom died, his choice became even clearer.  If he was ever put in that position he wanted to go be with her.  The time came when he had a final stroke.  At that point, there was no sign of any brain activity.  He no longer responded to any of the doctor’s tests.  As hard as it was to turn off the machines and let him die, it was easier to do knowing that was his choice and what he really wanted.  If I am ever put in a situation like that, I will want to have the right to say I don’t want to be kept alive.  I will want my family to let me go.  If there is any chance of saving me and living a happy, productive life then I want to be saved…but like him I want to have my say and be allowed to make that final choice so my family doesn’t have to.  I guess in pretty much all things I like the ability to choose.  After all, it’s my prerogative until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

28 comments:

  1. I do have to agree with you. For awhile (and even still) my mother plays a huge role in the choices I make. Time changes everything though.. Im sorry for the loss of your parents :( Im glad you are blogging, looks like I have missed out on lots of great writers while I was away! Look forward to reading more :)

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    1. Beautiful Disaster, Thank you for stopping by and for your kind comments. :D

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  2. Smart, introspective gal, aren't you?

    Making our own choices is hard but worth it. Still learning this particularly lesson myself!

    Pearl

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    1. Pearl, I do my best. :D Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments.

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  3. This is something I have always done. Even married I make my own decisions. I don't know any other way. Strong insight.. strong woman,.

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    1. Brenda, Before my mom died I always let others sway me a bit, or maybe I was so laid back I just went along with the flow. Not sure. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!

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  4. The only way anyone will make any choices for me is over my dead body.

    My Dad died the day before his life support was to be disconnected. We were given a day (Valentine's Day 2004) to be by his side and say goodbye. God took that choice away from us and I am so glad HE did. I was the only one with Dad when he died. The nurse asked me if I wanted her to resuscitate. Dad had a DNR, so I told her. She said she knew, but they always ask the family anyway. Since I was the only one in the room, that decision fell on my shoulders. I looked at her and said "The DNR is my Dad's decision. I will respect his wishes whether I want to or not." I was afraid that decision would haunt me, but it has not. I am grateful that I was able to hold Dad's hand and give him permission to go...

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    1. Darlene, that is the exact way I feel about some things now. I did much the same as you. I held my dad's hand and told it was OK, he would be OK, and I would to and to go be with my mom, and he did. It was horrible turning off the machines and equally horrible for the 15 minutes or so we waited for him to pass. I was shocked it didn't happen instantly, but it didn't. It really was upsetting, and I am typing with tears in my eyes. It was an experience I may never totally get over. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!!

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  5. I think we have the same mother! And I too have felt it would be so liberating when her time finally comes, not just for me for all of my brothers and sisters as well. I have not spoken to my mom in two years and just those two years have been so much less stressful and happier. I know how horrible that sounds but it's true. I've tried every which way to understand her. Even looked at my grandma's life and how she raised my mom, forever looking for answers.. There are none.. Sadly, I knew long ago that my mother was simply the vessel by which I had to get here..

    Great post. Glad to see I'm not alone..

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    1. Magical Mystical Mimi, I was devastated when my mom died. In hindsight, I think it may have been the best thing that could have happened to me. I was so dependent on her. It was a major life altering wake up call. I had focused all my energy and life on taking care of her, and then one day she was gone and I had to figure out what the hell I was going to do then. I had to grow up and learn to make my own decisions and stand on my own two feet. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!

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  6. What a great piece. Funny how parents do have that power. I wouldn't say my parents made my choices, but they did affect them. And even more so in my writing. They are both passed now, and I feel a sense of freedom in my writing that I have never felt before. I'm glad you found your voice and your freedom to choose!

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    1. Amy, I am really glad I came out of my shell too. It sure took me long enough. I guess I was a late bloomer. :P Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!

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  7. yes, i think it must be hard when a parent decides everything for a child. my parents didn't do that to me. nor have i done that to my kids. my motto is that everyone needs to figure out the life that works for them. like you said, i don't want anyone to tell me what to do, so why would i tell others what is best for them.. (of course when it comes to kids, safety issues must be addressed - in their decision... blah, blah, blah....)
    nice points, kathy.

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    1. Danneromero, I am on the same page you are with my kids. In the past I have allowed my daughter to make her own choices. If she wanted to dance, I was behind her 100%. When she decided that she would rather not anymore, even though I was disappointed, I said it was OK. If she didn't want to, I wasn't going to force her even though I loved watching her and seeing her decked out in shimmery ballet costumes. I might give my opinion, but ultimately it comes down to what they want to do. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments.

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  8. I agree with you 100%. I am responsible for my own decisions, good or bad and I don't want anyone telling me what to do. Glad you grew to like the writing because you are so good at it. Love this post.

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    1. KAT, thank you for stopping by, reading, and for your kind comments! You made me smile!! I noticed early on with my writing that I seemed to have a certain knack for it, that it came easy, and there is nothing better in the world than having someone like you tell me not only that you enjoy my efforts, but that I am good at it! Wow! Thank you!!

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  9. Excellent post and I know how strong your choices in life have made you. It shows so many ways. I am a Momma's girl, still, but she raised all of us to be independent thinkers by making us make choices and pay the consequences. She respects our choices even now and when she disagrees she will say something like, "Whatever you think." It's code! lol But never, ever an "I told you so." She's kewl like that. ♥ I hope I raised mine the same way. They ask for opinions, but they make their own decisions. Usually, they're good ones. ♥

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    1. Jo, if nothing else I have gained strength in my choices and a little wisdom. I was always a Mommy's girl too. It sounds like you were a great mommy Jo! I am so pleased you enjoyed my post! Thank you for stopping by to read and for your wonderful comments!

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  10. I haven't experienced the loss of my own parents, but I have with my husband's parents. Although he was never close with either of them, the pain still hurts nonetheless. It pains me more than you know that the choices made in his family left them so distant. You are a very strong woman Kathy. It's been such a pleasure getting to know you thru your writing. BTW...you are a very good writer!

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    1. Susan, I think regardless there is always a sense of loss. Death is so final. There is no second chances. Sometimes when the relationship isn't that great death is more a relief for everyone. There is still the history and inevitably pain.
      Thank you so much for stopping by to read and comment. Thank you for paying me such a wonderful comment! I am so honored! I have enjoyed getting to know you through your writing as well and look forward to reading more of your blogs in the future!

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  11. I have to say that parents do have a funny way of "influencing" their kids to some degree--even into adulthood. For me--as I've gotten older--I've cut that umbilical cord almost completely off, because like you I like to make my own choices. I get a LOT of grief over any decision I make that is not up to their standards--but I quickly tell them to butt the hell out it is my choice. I know--sounds crass right? I had to go that route in order to keep them from medling. I think they finally get the idea--but they sure don't like it!! LOLOL. Great post--I enjoyed reading this one!

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    1. Jenn, I think they have such a big influence when we are younger because we so want their approval and their acceptance. G0d cut the umbilical cord for me and took both my parents when they were young. I think HE felt it was time both my sister and I grew up and handled life on our own. I don't think parents would like not being able to have their noses in a person's business. It is habit. As a parent you get to pretty much call the shots for the first 18-20 years of your kid's life and I am sure by then it becomes a habit!! I am so pleased you enjoyed my post! Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!!

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  12. My parents had a way of allowing their children to make as many age appropriate decisions as possible. I do the same even when I know the decisions they are making are going to fail. So I allow them to offer whatever plan it is they have, they give me the pros/cons of their choice. After they have given a logical explanation as to why doing homework once a week is better than doing it daily I let them. Then we have a conversation about grades when the plan fails.

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    1. Fireman, that is the way I am trying to parent my kids now. I try to give them advice and guidance and keep them from failing, but I let them make up their own minds. For example, my daughter has been in dance off and on. When she decided that she didn't want to do it this year, I was a little disappointed because I loved to watch her dance, but I honored her decision. It wasn't me that had to get out there and dance in tight little sparkly outfits after school, it was her. If she didn't want to, it sure wasn't up to me to force her. How fun would it be if she was forced to dance when she didn't want to?? Besides, I don't have the extra money to throw away on things that my kid isn't passionate about. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments! It sounds like you and I are pretty much on the same page with this one. Guidance with wisdom. :D

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  13. Kathy, make sure, since you want to be unplugged as your father was, that you complete, sign, and have copies distributed of your Advance Medical Directive in place NOW. (Copies for every US state can be downloaded here: http://www.caringinfo.org/i4a/pages/index.cfm?pageid=3289) I've got a copy in my car, at my primary physician, and in my "Important Papers" at home.

    The only person who has to be happy with our choices is US; why shouldn't WE be the ones making them?

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    1. Beverly, you are right! Even though I have no intention of checking out just yet it is probably never to early to get papers like that taken care of. You are very correct, we should be making the decisions ourselves!! Thank you for stopping by to read and comment!

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  14. Great post, Kathy. My mother always had a very strong personality,and felt that her way was the only way. When I made the decision to get married, she was dead set against it. Same thing for having children #3,4, and 5 :-) She loved them to pieces when they were here, though. She never did get to meet #5. She died five weeks before my baby was born :-( She was a great lady, but definitely very opinionated. My mother died in 1999, and I miss her terribly, but the stress of feeling like every decision I made would be met with several reasons why it was wrong, is gone. My adult kids children have broken my heart several times over, but I am determined to tell them quietly what I think, and let it be. I don't want to push them away.
    That's great that your dad had a living will. Mine didn't, and I was forced to make the decision. It was terrible, and something I would never want my children to have to go through. In the end, though, I was as confident as I could have been that he was never going to be able to survive off life support. This just reminds me that I need to get all of those legal things taken care of before they are needed.

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    1. Theresa, I can certainly identify with the stress that comes with the need to please!! I am really glad my Dad had a living will. He also told me face to face, days before that if something were to happen to him to please let him go. He had been without my mom and he missed her and wanted to be with her. He didn't want to go on without her, and didn't want to face life without driving in an assisted living place without her by his side. He said he would either be in heaven with her, or he would be lying beside her in the cemetery. Either way, they would be together, and that is all he wanted at that point. It brings tears to my eyes to remember. He was so sad, and tears rolled down his eyes when he said it. I will never forget it as long as I live. I miss my mom. I know she wanted me happy, and I am pretty sure she would have been OK with the decisions I made...but, even at the end she wanted me to get back together with my first husband. That just wasn't going to happen. I think she would have loved my husband I have, loved my kids, and would have been OK about everything. Looking back, I think she just wanted me to be taken care of. Maybe she had an inkling that she wouldn't live to be old and grey. I have no idea. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment!!

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