Saturday, May 26, 2012

When I Grow Up-BFF 195


     When I was a little girl I never fancied myself growing up to be a writer.  I wanted to be an artist, famous preferably.  As I grew, my dream evolved.  I still wanted to be an artist, but my art gradually took different forms. 

      All through school I expressed myself through my art work.  I drew and painted and once in high school took every art class I was allowed to.  I loved art, and was totally driven.  At the same time I became interested in music.  I spent all of my teenage years going to Oak Ridge Boys concerts with my mom.  If they were anywhere close, we were there.  Even when they weren’t close, we were there.  My mom loved them, and loved to travel and took great pleasure in combining the two.  I knew I wasn’t very musical even though I always sang in the choir and enjoyed it.  What really fascinated me was running the sound system.  When it came time to choose colleges, my art took a back seat and my desire to be apart of the exciting music business took center stage.


       It didn’t take me long to realize that my heart wasn’t really in it, and I followed my heart back home to Indiana.  Once again the passion for my art screamed to be noticed.  I enrolled in graphic design school part time and followed my dream.  I was dedicated and completely focused on the brass ring until my mom got sick.  At that point taking care of her took more and more of my time and my art began to slip back into the shadows.  By the time she died, I knew I had no more desire to draw, paint, or be perfect.  I was consumed with grief.  At that point in my life I simply knew that my days as an artist were over.  My heart had shifted gears and my life drifted for several years while I struggled to find my way.




         I learned a lot during that time period.  I learned that I liked doing things that had no grey areas.  Either it was right or wrong with no in between.  Art is measured by other’s opinions.  I found when I created my art; I put entirely too much of my soul into each piece along with the blood, sweat, and tears.  Each criticism became a personal attack instead of encouragement to perfect my work.  I realized that kind of system drove me bloody insane.  I could not do it anymore. 




          At that point I realized that what I really wanted when I grew up was pretty simplistic.  I wanted to be happily married, have a home of my own, and be someone’s mommy.  Providence knows women all over the world have managed to accomplish that, so surely I could.  All of a sudden, it seemed like my lofty ideals that once meant so very much no longer mattered.  I wanted to be a wife and mother and that became the number one priority on my list.  

     


        At this point in my life, I no longer draw or paint.  It is not that I can’t, it is that I choose not to.  Instead I write and paint with my words.  Paired with the perfect visuals and the perfect music to illustrate them to my satisfaction, I find myself still painting a fabulous picture.  This picture is much more satisfying and can be perfected with spell check.  Maybe that is why I feel compelled to do it.  I have finally found an outlet for my creativity that works for me.  It is fun, and I like to have fun.  I like to laugh.  I am simply incapable of acting pious and like I have a broomstick rammed up my a$$.  I like to act nuts.  I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up or that I even want too, but I think I am headed in the right direction until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.


30 comments:

  1. <3 It's wonderful you have found something which embraces all of your creativity and interests. I'm so glad I have the opportunity to read the pictures you paint with words.

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    1. Adelia, I am so pleased you enjoy reading what I write. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!

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  2. Your blogs are a reflection of your artistry and I always enjoy visiting them. Being an artist can take on so many different forms. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Beachlover, I have realized that slowly that I may not paint or draw anymore, but I do so many other things where my artistic ability continues to shine through. Even now I continue to tap it. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your lovely comments!

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  3. Wow what a great journey though!

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    1. JoJo, so far, it has been on the most part. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!

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  4. Kathy, you paint beautifully with your words, and who knows, someday you may desire to "set down the pencil to pick up the brush". If you do, I'm sure it will be wonderful as well!

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    1. Amy, what a wonderful thing to say!! Thank you for stopping by to read and comment and for your wonderful words of encouragement!

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  5. I'm pretty sure your interest in art will come around again later in life. It seems you have many talents, so I can see you with lots of creativity in the future when your children are older or even off on their own. It's hard to focus on something like art when children are small, regardless of how well behaved they are. It just goes with the territory. When you are retired, you will be surprised at the interests that come back around.

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    1. Darlene, you are probably right about that. Until it ever resurfaces I will satisfy that creativity itch with writing. :D Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!

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  6. Kathy, I am so glad that all those years of artistic dreaming did not allow someone whose opinion you valued more than your own to take it from you. You are a spunky, artistic, visual soul that I have come to appreciate through words.

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    1. November Rain, in a way it did...but I realized when thinking about this writing prompt that it took another form and my writing was a form of art too. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!

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  7. That Rain girl must a been a readin' my mind! What ^^^^she said! he he he...♥

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    1. Jo, thank you for stopping in to read and for your kind comments.

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  8. If your mom were alive, what would she want you to do? I bet she'd be sad to know that you gave up something you loved and that you were probably good at. Pick up a brush and give it a second chance.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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    1. Joyce, she would want me to do what made me happy. She probably would be shocked that I gave it up, and maybe a little sad. One day I might. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!

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  9. Being an artist can mean so many different things these days. So glad you found your way to the "artist" whom you really wanted to be!

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    1. Susan, it would have been nice to have been successful as a true artist or animator, but writing fulfills the need to create. One day I may draw and paint again, but it won't be anytime soon and if I do, it will go hand and hand with my writing. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments!

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  10. I loved this! I can so relate as i too have spent years trying to find the "right" outlet for my own creative urges...I tried art, i tried music and also found writing and photography to suit my needs best. I am STILL growing up...so we will see where I wind up in my endeavors. Beautiful write!

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    1. I am so pleased you enjoyed my post. It sounds like you and I have traveled similar paths. One of these days we both will grow up and find exactly where we need to be. Right now, this is my creative outlet. It works for me. A person never knows where their life will lead them. Thank you for stopping in to read and for your comments.

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  11. Words are so much fun to play with. We can say so much with a very few words--or maybe a half a dozen. The words you write are yours to own, a reflection of you. I also enjoy writing--I enjoy photography--I enjoy graphic design too. Much in common there. :D

    Cheers, Jenn.

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    1. Jenn, I generally just sit down and write and let it flow. From where it comes from I have no clue. I enjoy all the things you do, which may explain why we are such good friends. ♥ Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments.

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  12. It's never too late to be what you might have been.. ;)

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    1. Magical Mystical Mimi, you give me so much hope! Thank you for stopping by and for your encouraging words! ♥

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  13. funny how your attitude changes as you grow older; I always wanted to be a famous writer, went to grad school, did publish a couple of novels, became a professor of writing...then I had children and couldn't write a word. but that need to creat was paramount, even though I thought having babies would be the most satisfying creational outlet at all. Not so. So I played around as I always had been anway, with drawing and painting, though more seriously. Then moved to the fiber arts which I still pursue. But like you now, at this point in my life, I'm far less ambitious. I do what I do to keep me sane and content. Period.

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    1. Sandra, it is odd how a person evolves. I am at that keeping sane and content point too. Being ambitious just doesn't seem to matter much anymore. I am just me. Thank you for stopping by to read and for your comments. ♥

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  14. Some of this sounds so familiar.
    It also explains why your blogs are so interesting.
    I used to do all kinds of arty stuff. Now I have photography and blogging. I think I like them both because they don't require as much time as drawing and painting. Plus the blogs have almost instant feedback! Gotta love that!

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    1. Lee, I am so pleased you enjoy my writing. Drawing and painting do require a little time, however, I have been trained to capture the human form in 60 seconds. I had a life drawing class in college and you had 60 seconds to draw the pose before the model shifted. The models were nude, and it helped that a person had to concentrate on the drawing, because otherwise staring at some random guys package and drawing it might have got a little embarrassing. Of course if anyone laughed you got an F for the day. As giggly as I am, I took art very seriously and never wavered. I got an A+ in that class. Thank you for stopping in to read and for your comments! ♥

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  15. I had been out of town for over a week since the 21st and without the internet. Now I've been reading your blog this evening in my efforts to catch up. This particular post is quite interesting and, as other's have said, you're definitely an artist with your words. You have quite a talent, Kathy, in expressing yourself and entertaining all of us so well!

    I remember how much fun it was for me in high school when I learned to type, tabulate columns and lay out letters. It was fun to use my creative talents in producing reports and letters that were readable and looked nice.

    So glad that you enjoy blogging, you're very good at it. You have an interesting take on most any subject. I feel most comfortable with just the cooking and baking.

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    1. Betty, you pay me the nicest compliments. I am speechless. All I can say is thank you for your kind words and for stopping by to read my words and for your sweet comments. I am so pleased you enjoy reading what I write. It makes it all worthwhile.

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