Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Lack of Balance: Catch Me I’m Falling!!!

      I have never been the most graceful person in the world.  Even on an average day it is normal for me to careen around corners like a bat out of hell leaving humongous bruises on my arms because I cut the corner entirely to short in my rush.  I even managed to give myself a concussion simply because I lost my balance once when I got up in the night to pee, effectively falling and banging my temple on the headboard of the bed.  That little catastrophe put me out of commission for a month.


     That is why only G0d himself could explain why when I was bigger than a house pregnant with my daughter that I decided to encourage my husband to rent a canoe to take out on the lake while we were camping.  Before I go any further, canoes are tipsy little things in the first place.

     Their overall construction would tell a normal person with even a shred of common sense that an overly pregnant lady shouldn’t even attempt to get in to one.  Even a skinny athletic person with a reasonable amount of balance can find that a canoe is a bit tipsy.  Looking back, I can’t even explain what my motivation was.   We rented the canoe , put it into the water, and prepared to get in.  It was at that illuminating moment I realized that my overly pregnant body might not be able to handle getting in or getting out of a canoe.  While my husband held my hand to balance me, I carefully put one foot into the boat.  The canoe rocked violently and with a scream I clutched at my husband with both hands terrified that I was doomed to take a plunge into the lake.  I had simply not taken into account that being pregnant would completely throw off my balance.  Live and learn I guess.


     Even all these years later I am still not a good judge of my own ability to balance.  A while back while at the store I leaned over this huge box filled with bags of potatoes in the hopes of snagging one to add to my shopping cart.  I found out the hard way that the cardboard box wouldn’t hold my weight and I fell face first into the potatoes laughing my fool head off as I sprawled spread eagle.  It turns out it is a lot easier to fall into potatoes than it is to scramble your way back out.  By the time I managed to crawl out, several other shoppers were gawking and snickering at my display.  I bounced up and dusted myself off trying to maintain my cool and failing miserably.  I couldn’t quite pull it off, because I couldn’t stop laughing.   That poor box wasn’t quite as strong as I thought it would be.

     One of these times I may just achieve perfect balance.  It isn’t bloody likely, but it could happen. Occasionally a moment of insanity hits and I dig out my Wii Fit board and take on the Yoga balance challenges.  Even that is laughable, because the only way I can get through them is to hang onto a kitchen chair.  So yes, I cheat at Wii Fit.  I admit it! It is better than falling on my face, and that perfectly poised avatar doesn’t know the difference.  No harm, no foul. 

  
     At this point in my life I have accepted that I am a klutz and have very little if no balance.   Some people are perfectly comfortable traipsing about on a tight rope, a balance beam, or riding a unicycle.  Sadly, I am not one of those people.  All I can do, is sit by and watch silently thanking the good Lord that I survived another day without ending up in traction.  I have accepted the fact that I was not put on this earth to amaze people by my ability to balance my a$$ on the wind.  For those amazing feats, you will have to look to someone else.  However,  if you are looking for a dazzling star for America’s Funniest Videos, then I am your girl!! 

     On the upside, I have  noticed that life as I know it is getting easier to balance as I grow older.   Perhaps there is hope for me after all!!   Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

22 comments:

  1. Well--somehow--I can see this about you. And I don't quite know why. That's okay--I love comedy! Cheers, Jenn

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  2. Jenn, LMAO...yes I am a pretty obvious catastrophe waiting to happen, but that is what makes me so lovable! LOLOLOLOL Thanks for stopping in to read and comment!!

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  3. I attempted to climb into a canoe a couple of years ago and ended up in the water! I even climbed out of the water and tried it one more time, with the same result. I gave up then and decided my big butt is not ever going canoeing again. Maybe I'll give it a try again when I have lost this weight. :)

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  4. I am an absolute clutz!

    Oh, and I LOVE that song!!

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  5. I can see you doing each of those things! Thanks for the comic relief and I'll be watch AFV for your entries, I assume it would be multiple entries?
    Great post on balance or lack thereof! :)
    And leave the unicycle to the unicyclist.

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  6. Angie, LOL.. I know just how you feel. I am afraid that one run in with the canoe ruined me forever on canoeing!! I didn't end up in the water, but came close. It was so close that I refused to try again, especially since I was so pregnant. My doctor about had a cow when I told him about trying to get into a canoe! LOLOLOLOL He freaked out and told me not to EVER do that again. Well, he never told me not to. Of course he came right back with "I didn't think I needed to!!" LOLOLOL Thank you for stopping by to read and comment!!

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  7. Stephtee, then I feel I am in great company!! I love that song too. A true blast from the past. Thanks for stopping in to read and comment!

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  8. Jo, LOL. You are very welcome. Usually when I pull off these crazy stunts there isn't a video camera around to capture me in the act. My craziness happens in a split second notice. I will happily leave the unicycle alone. I can't even handle a bicycle, so one wheel is definitely out. So happy you enjoyed my post!! Thank you for stopping in to read and comment!!

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  9. oh my..now i bet when you dance you have PerFECT control..who the heck IS ThaT in the video..would you believe i have NEVEr seen her before??!! Pretty Poison..dang..i feel old

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  10. Brenda, when I dance I look and feel like a complete a$$. I have to be good and liquored up so I don't care what I look like when I dance. At that point, it doesn't matter and it is all good. LOLOLOLOL I have heard the song, but even though I graduated high school with the class of 1986 I have no clue who Pretty Poison is. Thank you for stopping in to read and comment. LOL

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  11. Your ability to laugh at and accept yourself is wonderful. Life's too short to look at our 'imperfections' as anything but part of our charm...and if that's the case, I'm, well, really charming. ;O)

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  12. Word Nerd, thank you for your kind comments and for stopping in to read! I am right with you...I am so charming I can hardly contain myself!! LOLOLOL :D

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  13. Oh, Kathy, I like how you can laugh at yourself. I'm also pretty clumsy and don't try any fancy stuff in public. I move very slowly and cautiously, hoping not to fall down.

    My thirty-something neighbor just rides a unicycle so effortlessly. She's the only person I've ever seen riding a unicycle, other than a professional performer. I love watching her but you'd never get me to try it in a million years!

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  14. Betty, thank you for stopping in to read and comment!! Better to laugh than cry and be embarrassed. It is a lot more fun. I would kill myself on a unicycle. I can't ride a bicycle either. I always fall off. The last time I fell off was right in front of a bunch of little kids who proceeded to laugh and point at the "old" lady who couldn't ride a bike. I haven't attempted to ride a bike since. Little snots! LOL

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  15. Kathy, you need a bike like mine. I needed exercise, so I decided to get a bike. Considering my age, I thought it prudent to get an adult tricycle. As for balance, just wait until you are my age... It's a challenge to wash my hair because when I close my eyes, I get all wobbly in the shower. Now I know why old people are always falling in the bathtub!

    Your blogs tickle my funny bone. Keep them coming!!!

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  16. Darlene, LOL, I think I will stick to my golf cart. I probably need the exercise, but I think I will have to forego any bike of any kind and just walk. Occasionally I handle that without running into something or tripping. HA! G0d help me when I get older...I will be a riot. Thanks for stopping in to read and leave such kind comments. So pleased I tickled your funny bone! Easier than chasing you around the room with a feather any day! LOL

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  17. Fun post. Someone told me to brush my teeth standing on one leg to improve my balance. I've never done it though.

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  18. Langley, really?? That is crazy!!! I could see me falling flat on my face foaming at the mouth with toothpaste, hitting my head on the toilet, and needing 911! LMAO.. Another great blog post in the making. ha ha ha. Thanks for stopping in to read and for your kind comments. I am so pleased you enjoyed what I wrote.

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  19. Darlene, I now find that I am having the same problem with moving when I close my eyes. I closed my eyes when I was walking on the treadmill this morning and nearly lost my balance. And, I experience the same thing in the shower! So, I just laugh at myself and make adjustments. Glad that I can get around as good as I can. I'm enjoying these golden years, just don't have all the money to do all those dreamy things. But -- I'm enjoying each day and thanking the good Lord for all the real blessings He gives. Have a blessed 'day one and all'.

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  20. Betty...thank goodness money isn't everything. Once you can get past that little life truth, life can truly be enjoyable!! Thanks for stopping back in to add to the conversation!!

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  21. Hilarious! Being able to laugh at yourself and not become obsessive about your slight shortcomings is the best way to balance oneself!

    I confess, I Love the WII fit...and I have a crush on my trainer, I just love how she whispers words of encouragement! Stick with it, and by all means cheat, soon enough your wii trainer will be whispering sweet things in your ear! LOL Peace & Blessings...Marc :)

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  22. Grains of Sand, thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments. So pleased I tickled your funny bone. I tend to laugh way to much, if that is possible...and it does seem to help. I like the Wii Fit too. It is hard to stick with. I should get back at it now that my kids are back in school. The biggest thing that kept me off of it was the fact my kids fight over the Wii and when they are around I never get a chance to get on it. The literally hog the thing. So I fixed them, I disconnected it and put it up. It may be worth sneaking back out during the day while they are at school and working out myself. I am still trying to get used to the fact that I have the house to myself once they go to school! :D

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