Living in the Now

    NaBloPoMo asks whether I connect more with the past, the present, or the future.  The answer to that question really wasn’t that hard for me to muddle through.

 

     When I was growing up I looked toward the future with bright eyes and high hopes.  I believed that dreams could come true for me and that anything was possible.  I was optimistic and had high hopes.  I had both of my parents and they were my biggest cheerleaders and support system.  I will admit they were my best friends, and I clung to them and enjoyed their company.

      Then they both died, one by one, and I was left in a tailspin completely devastated.  Right after each of their deaths I desperately clung to the past afraid to move on for fear I would lose them entirely.  I didn’t want to get rid of their things.  I didn’t want to put away their pictures.  I couldn’t stay away from the cemetery.  I was pathetic.  My mother’s death rocked me to my core.  By the time my dad died I was aware that the day would come when he wouldn’t be here.  I wasn’t in denial.  I knew it was a possibility and when he died I let him go.

      Now that I have been through their deaths, a divorce, and the loss of a much anticipated baby, I tend to lock the past in a special place and live in the now rarely taking it out to dust it off and contemplate.  I don’t look toward the future.  I don’t dream.  I take life as it comes, be happy with the blessings I have, and live one day at a time letting God have control of my life.  It is just easier that way.  I have finally figured out how to be happy in my own skin and quit mourning things I can do nothing about.   I choose to connect with the present because the past is gone and the future has yet to be written.  It is my way to move on and keep on living the best I can.