Monday, July 1, 2013

Me Then and Now

Michelle Liew of “Muses of the Deep” is hosting the Writer’s Post Blog Hop this week and has challenged me to find an old picture of myself and compare it to a recent one.


     This picture was taken when I was about 3 years old on New Year’s Eve by my babysitter Dorothy.  Back then I had long blonde hair and had the wide eyed innocence of youth.   I believed in wishes and dreams.  I wanted most to meet Mickey Mouse and visit
his magic kingdom. 




         My worries were few and far between and at that point were limited to just what I would play with next.  I hated to have anyone mess with my hair at that age and suffered greatly while my mom brushed and styled my locks into those pigtails you see.   Those were the days people still thought I was cute, hell even I think I was cute then, and before I dreaded looking in the mirror to see the reflection looking back trying to figure out why everyone thought I was ugly and wondering what I could do to improve it.  It was before I found out I was ugly.  I learned that as soon as I got to school.  That was a lesson I got the first time and really didn’t need reinforced by my peers.  It hurt, and changed the happy innocence that was captured in this photo.


        This picture was taken last Christmas.  I know, I should have been able to find a more recent one of myself but let’s face it…I take the pictures in my house.   Besides, I generally hate pictures of myself and avoid any cameras that dare to point in my direction if I can help it.  This is the exception.   I actually like this picture of me.    In this picture I am 44 years old.



      My hair is short and brown.  My hair underwent that transformation in about second grade.  One minute I was the relatively cute little girl with the long blond hair and the next I transformed into a girl with short brown hair.  That year’s class picture I had a burger in my nose to highlight my transition which was a forewarning to things to come.  By fourth grade I had acquired the glasses.  This lady has grown comfortable with her short brown hair and glasses and at this point would have it no other way.  She is older.  Even though her eyes sparkle with mischief I see the shadows of the pain she has endured from the death of her parents, surviving spousal abuse, and divorce.  I also see the hard won happiness she has found in her almost 16 years of marriage and the births of her two children.  She is a survivor, plain and simple.  There is wisdom there in those eyes from having to learn the hard way most times and compassion because of the suffering she has endured.  She knows better than anyone her faults, but has finally acquired a like it or lump it attitude.

    In spite of it all, both the little girl in the first picture and the woman in the second picture radiate an air of confidence, contentment, and happiness.  The only real difference is that the woman has finally found comfort in her own skin, even though she still wrinkles her nose at the reflection in the mirror.  The little girl in the picture is simply regards her reflection with recognition.  Both the girl and the woman are me. 




33 comments:

  1. You are NOT ugly. Not. Not even a little bit. Look again, please, and pretend the woman you see is someone other than yourself. I'll bet you'll be able to see and appreciate her beauty. Not just her inner beauty, though that's definitely there, too. Her outward beauty is just as real.

    You've been feeding yourself a line of BS and I hope you stop it. Confident and comfortable in your own skin is good, but you deserve even more. You deserve to know your own beauty. I see it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Word Nerd, when I look at my pictures I don't really think I look that bad. Just never understood why other people didn't see it growing up and got their jollies making my life a misery. Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it! Thank you so much for stopping in, reading, and for the pick me up.

      Delete
  2. Aww don't say that ~ I just recently saw an article, FB post, something about women who were sat in front of an artist who could not see them. They were asked to describe themselves to the artist so he could draw them ... then the artist had a person who met the subject describe the person they saw and he drew a second photo ~ all of the photos drawn of the person were more beautiful than how the actual person described themselves. Hope I got that out properly, but the bottom line is, you are not ugly! With all of that said, I know exactly how you feel!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I saw the same post on FB. It was amazing in the difference. We are our own worst critic.

      Delete
    2. Judi, Isn't that amazing? I am my worst critic and always have been. Thank you for your kind words. I was actually really depressed after posting this because even now, I just don't get why people didn't like me back then. It was their loss because they never gave me the chance. Thank you for stopping by to read!!

      Delete
    3. Domestically Seasoned, YES!! Thank you for stopping by for your kind words!

      Delete
  3. I agree with Beth, to be comfortable in your own skin is wonderful but you need to open your eyes and realize. you are not ugly, rather far from it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jenn, thank you for the kind words!! Should have had friends like you back when I was growing up then I wouldn't be so mental about it now.

      Delete
  4. That's a great post Kathy. You and I are a lot alike. I don't allow pics of me either and I untag them so fast on FB, if one creeps on. I had a meltdown last year over my current profile pic and blog icon. I use it out of respect to Russell b/c he got angry at me for putting myself down so bad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JoJo, LOL oh my we do sound alike!! We probably shouldn't be this way...but old habits are hard to break. Besides a smile will make any picture better. There is the bright side. Thank you for stopping by and for your kind comments!

      Delete
  5. Well, I guess I could cop out and just say "what they said ^", because I agree with what everyone has said so far. But I will add a few thoughts.

    When my grandmother passed recently I saw something she had written that described herself as ugly. I had never thought of her that way or even knew she thought of herself that way. Like you she was an amazingly strong woman that went through many hardships and her wisdom and compassion is what I see when I see a photo of her. Much like I see in you. I always get a smile when I see your comments on one of my blogs.

    And I am ultimately happy that while you may not like your looks, you do see the "confidence, contentment, and happiness" inside of yourself. Most people do not find that in themselves.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Audrey, at least there is that. That is probably half the battle. Thank you for stopping by and for your kind comments!

      Delete
  6. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Little kids find everyone beautiful, but then they start growing up and absorbing stuff from their surroundings. And the elders pass on their own prejudices to their young, impressionable minds.

    I'm glad to meet someone who can see past what their mirror is showing them! :)

    Hope to connect more with you. I'm also participating in the UBC this month. Here's my first post, if you'd like to check it out... UBC Day 1 - "Happiness Jar"... :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chicky, I was terrified for my kids to go to school for fear the kids would be mean to them like they were to me back in the day. Thank God and sunny Jesus that the schools they attend don't tolerate that nonsense. They promote being friends, being polite, and being kind.
      Thank you for stopping by to read and for your kind comments!!

      Delete
  7. The little girl in the pic was cute, but the woman she has grown to be is beautiful. It takes courage to face hardships and difficulties, suffer pain and yet be willing to look life straight in the eye, and say, do what you will, I won't cower.
    I am so happy to meet you through your blog, Kathy. God bless you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cynthia, you are too kind!! I am so pleased to meet you too. Thank you for stopping by and showering me with such kind words. You made my day a little brighter.

      Delete
  8. Beauty, I think, depends on being happy in our own skin. And it's great to know you are. That makes you beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anne, that just made me feel a whole lot better. Thank you for stopping by and for your kind comments! Sometimes after I write things like this I become so sad. I even thought about deleting my blog because delving into the past at times is just too painful. But here I am, plowing through. I am glad I did.

      Delete
  9. that last para summed it all up beautifully! finding comfort in our own skin is what it is all about!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The little princess, I agree completely! Thank you for stopping by and for your kind comments.

      Delete
  10. U ugly? Hello!!! U r cute!!!! Seriously!!! But yes this post was heartfelt!!! For reasons best understood to us we sometimes start seeing ourself with a little less self esteem but as the say time is the best healer :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Smita, LOL Ok I get it!! Sometimes the worst stuff gets ingrained in our psyche and we simply can't shake it. Thank you for stopping by and for your kind comments.

      Delete
  11. It makes me sad to hear that you believe you're ugly! You have such a nice face, and it sucks that the world gave you an impression that you're ugly!

    And yet I know from experience that we all have moments of feeling ugly! Generally for me it relates to being in a bad mood about something already and then seeing myself in a mirror - never good timing! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trisha, it does suck really. Thank you for stopping in and for your kind words.

      Delete
  12. It takes time for esteem to grow, and grow for you it has, Kathy! Thanks for sharing this lovely reflection on this week's prompt!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Michelle, so pleased you enjoyed my post. Thank you for stopping by and for your kind comments!

      Delete
  13. Just taking a few moments this morning to check out your blog. Haven't been on the computer a lot lately. This is another great post Kathy. It's something to read the description of your life and your feelings about yourself. It's also great that you can be so transparent in your writing. However, I agree with the comments made here that you really are a beautiful person and I'm so glad that I've been able to follow you online.

    Although I'm much older than you, I too felt that I was much cuter as a toddler than when I went to school. My hair was darker, thicker and curlier as a baby and toddler. I too had little sausage curls in my two-year-old picture. My thick hair was wound around rags to dry into the long curls. They had to cut it when I was nearly five and I lost all the curl. Although there's nothing really permanent about permanents, my hair always takes to them quite easily to thicken and curl my thin hair.

    It seems like both of us went from the "cute little girl" stage into the "ugly duckling/plain Jane" stage and finally arrived in the confident beautiful person that we are today. I noticed in the photo album that my Mother kept that I was so radiant after getting married and having my two little girls. I finally was happy and smiled a lot, didn't even mind having my picture taken then. I like the more recent picture you posted in this blog of yourself Kathy.

    Thanks Kathy for allowing me to add my comments and reminisce a little. Looking forward to reading much more about your happy life on the internet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Betty, it has been a long time! I had what had happened to you and if you were OK. I think everyone goes through those stages growing up. Cute to ugly duckling, to the person they become. Thank you for stopping by and for your kind comments!

      Delete
  14. Kathy, I get that even though you are not or were never ugly, you perceived yourself that way. I know I was always told that I was fat, and now I am. But I think the wisdom of your message is that you are now able to look back and see the beautiful and strong girl you were then and the woman you are now, who has emerged from pain and trauma, ever stronger and more beautiful. ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Corinne, I am so happy you get me!! It is a wonderful feeling to be understood. Thank you for stopping in and for your kind comments!

      Delete
  15. You are not ugly and never were. You are kind and considerate and loving and that shows through in all of your photos. Pity the people who can't or didn't see that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jennifer, thank you for the vote of confidence and for stopping by to read and for your sweet comments.

      Delete
  16. I simply cannot imagine why anyone would think you are ugly. You looked sweet when you were a kid and you look sweet now. And more importantly, you are sweet within. Thanks for sharing your memories.

    ReplyDelete