Thursday, September 1, 2011

Longing For What I Can Never Have

       Longing.  I have a deep longing for the people who are lost to me.  It is an ache I carry with me daily and becomes even more severe on holidays and on special occasions.    This deep sense of loss I harbor deep within my soul I try to bury within me.  When first faced with this writing challenge, I struggled to write about what I deeply long for and settled instead for another longing which doesn’t even come close to scratching the surface to this one.

       Due to recent events, I feel it is best to proceed to write about this longing as a much needed release for my soul.  It seems impossible to imagine that it has already been over 18 years since my mom died, and over 7 years since I lost my dad.  Since their passing, grandparents , aunts, uncles, and a dear cousin have followed suit.  So many family members gone!  The people that made up the very fabric of my past are gone except for a distant memory and my heart aches for them.

       This week my son celebrated his 6th birthday.  It was bittersweet for me because neither of my parents ever had the chance to know him.  Even sadder, he never had the chance to know them.  He has never known the love, affection, and attention Grandparents can give.  The grandparents he is left with shun his and my daughter’s existence and completely bypassed his birthday.   A blessing of sort is that he didn’t even seem to notice.  If my parents would have lived, they would have showered both my children with love.  They would have been as proud of them as I am.    It is truly their loss.

         Grief is a powerful thing that even time can not completely diminish.  Life does go on, but memories linger.   I miss the family dinners, the laughter, and the feeling of belonging.   I miss the opportunities to share the everyday trials and joy of life.  I long to do so, but I can’t.   I long for the day when I too can go home to heaven and see them once again.   I long for the strength and insight to provide my children with all the love and encouragement they need to grow into happy adults.  I long for the laughter to overtake me when I am feeling so low.  I am thankful for the moments alone to rail, cry, and grieve in private so they will never know the suffering I feel on their behalf.   I long to erase the sorrow of what might have been.  I will continue to long for what hurts the most, what I can not have.  Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.


  1. While I understand this kind of longing and cannot help but want to just hug you and tell you that your parents DO know and love your children, I also want to tell you that they live in you. You are their legacy to the world and you are everything they wanted you to be. Though they want you to remember them and all their love, they also want you to let them rest in peace. Let them know that you are fine, just miss having them in your everyday life in person, though they are there in spirit.
    Be happy in this life and relish the memories of such loving parents and raise your own with the same.
    When you are gone pray that your own children will not live longing to have you back. When death comes, it is the reward for a life well lived.
    (((HUGS))) and much love to you Kathy.

  2. Jo, I know you speak the truth. Some days are just more difficult than others. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment! I truly appreciate you kind words, love, and hugs.

  3. I think it is really hard when we lose someone close--and although the grief never completely fades--at some point we have to go on living the life we were meant to live--if anything to honor them. I know my Aunt (whom I was very close to) would not want me to mourn her anymore than is necessary. Thankfully, I had that dream after she passed--where she let me cry on her shoulder and told me she was so happy now, no longer in pain--the laugh from her belly and the light in her eyes told me I could move on. Lord knows, she wants me to be happy for her now. That doesn't mean I don't miss her--but she's really proud of me moving forward and thinking about her and sharing memories with my children. Not that every day is easy when the memories flood--I just know she's whole again and that makes me smile. Cheers, Jenn

  4. Jenn, thank you for stopping by to read and comment. Most days like you I live my life to the fullest with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. With my son's birthday came reason to reflect and miss them once again, then I felt sad. I know they are so happy now, and out of pain. I am happy for them, and they will always be with me in my heart and my memories.

  5. I understand this longing. My mom died when I was in high school, so she never knew my husband or children. Worse, they were cheated out of having her in their lives.

    I know that I've told you before that I think your in-laws are fools. I know how wonderful it is to have grandchildren in my life and for them to turn their backs on your kids does both generations an enormous disservice. I'm glad that your kids don't seem to feel the loss, but I know that both the loss of your parents and the emotional distance of your hubby's parents causes you so much pain, and I wish it were different for you. ♥

  6. Word Nerd, thank you for stopping by to read and your kind comments. I wish it were too. A person needs to go and make the best of this life that I have been dealt. I am happy my son had a happy birthday in spite of them!! <3